I had debated whether I would post about this, as my reading audience I am aware has expanded some. However, as this is my blog, it is always better to be honest anyway.

I recently watched a Rock Musical with my friend Chel. It was called Hedwig and the Angry Inch. She has been trying to get me to watch it forever, and I always said that a movie about a man who’s sex change operation gets botched just does not really interest me.

However in a moment of weakness, I surrendered.

Now, ever since, I have been obsessed. Strangest thing really. Chel keeps laughin at me, but I just loved it. Loved the movie, the music, and the story. Most of all I think that John Cameron Mitchell is a genius. He wrote, directed and starred as Hedwig. His voice is amazing, and he managed to capture something in this film that many people might not understand but can still manage to feel by listening and watching.

I really cannot explain why I loved it so much, but it has a profound impact on me.

I have been listening to the music over and over.

My favorite song from the film, and let me tell ya, I like them all, is the Origin of Love. It also makes me cry sometimes. I suppose it appeals to my feeling of feeling very different, and I can understand feeling ripped in two sometimes.

When the earth was still flat,
And the clouds made of fire,
And mountains stretched up to the sky,
Sometimes higher,

Folks roamed the earth
Like big rolling kegs.
They had two sets of arms.
They had two sets of legs.
They had two faces peering
Out of one giant head
So they could watch all around them
As they talked; while they read.
And they never knew nothing of love
It was before the origin of love.

The origin of love

And there were three sexes then,
One that looked like two men
Glued up back to back,
Called the children of the sun.
And similar in shape and girth
Were the children of the earth.
They looked like two girls
Rolled up in one.
And the children of the moon
Were like a fork shoved on a spoon.
They were part sun, part earth
Part daughter, part son.

The origin of love

Now the gods grew quite scared
Of our strength and defiance
And Thor said,"I'm gonna kill them all
With my hammer,Like I killed the giants."
And Zeus said, "No,You better let me
Use my lightening, like scissors,
Like I cut the legs off the whales
And dinosaurs into lizards."
Then he grabbed up some bolts
And he let out a laugh,
Said, "I'll split them right down the middle
Gonna cut them right up in half."
And then storm clouds gathered above
Into great balls of fire

And then fire shot down
From the sky in bolts
Like shining blades
Of a knife.
And it ripped
Right through the flesh
Of the children of the sun
And the moon
And the earth.
And some Indian god
Sewed the wound up into a hole,
Pulled it round to our belly

To remind us of the price we pay.
And Osiris and the gods of the Nile
Gathered up a big storm
To blow a hurricane,
To scatter us away,
In a flood of wind and rain,
And a sea of tidal waves,
To wash us all away,
And if we don't behave
They'll cut us down again
And we'll be hopping round on one foot
And looking through one eye.

Last time I saw you
We had just split in two.
You were looking at me.
You had a way so familiar,
But I could not recognize,
Cause you had blood on your face;
I had blood in my eyes.
But I could swear by your expression
That the pain down in your soul
Was the same as the one down in mine.
That's the pain,
Cuts a straight line
Down through the heart;
We called it love.
So we wrapped our arms around each other,
Trying to shove ourselves back together.
We were making love,
Making love.
It was a cold dark evening,
Such a long time ago,
When by the mighty hand of Jove,
It was the sad story
How we became
Lonely two-legged creatures,
It's the story of
The origin of love.

That's the origin of love.

So, despite the fact that there are some odd scenes, and that its truly all about a man’s struggle with his sexuality, I think it is a great film. I loved it really…..highly recommend.

33 years ago...

A baby was born.

A child with whom brought such joy and happiness.
A baby boy!

Through the years he grew, he learned to do all the things a child will.

He walked, he talked, he opened his tiny arms to give and receive love.

His piercing blue eyes drank in all of the world.

The youngest child, and the only boy his journey was not always easy-

but he grew into a wonderful man

A man a girl fell in love with

The kind of man, that could share that same kind of love shown to him

with another baby boy

not of his own flesh

but loved just the same

He held the child with tender and compassionate arms

breathed words of love and acceptance into the tiny boy

and together they grew

and then another boy was born

so many like features

he too was loved with fierce pride

and again the man grew

The journey always true to its word grew more and more difficult

it would have broken a lesser man

but with faith and love in his heart

the man grew again

Grew so tall the girl could barely recognize the boy

so she grew too....


33 years ago my best friend was born.


Happy Birthday David

Say goodnight, not goodbye...

I have been really struggling this past while, with the departure of some friends, and just the constant blowing of the winds of change.

I keep losing my footing. I know that change is a part of life, and I understand that people must move on, but I guess it all just hits me hard right now.

I am really feeling the distance from my family right now. Most times I can resove this in my head and heart, but right now, with my heart already hurting from other circumstances, I am just really raw.

I know it will pass, and I am so excited to see everyone this summer, but unfortunatley before it even begins, I am already dreading when it ends.

I just hate that it is this way. It seems so unfair, and I have honestly wrestled with God on this one. Is it really necessary?

I love my life here, I only wish I could move it, or move them, or....well you know how it goes.

I am really looking forward to my minivacation from the boys, almost I think as much as they are looking forward to a vacation from their parents!

Dave and I have never been on our own, so we are planning to "date" a lot during this time. How exciting is that?

I am also planning to attend "Folk Fest" with Michelle. I am looking SO forward to that! Yay...

Ok, so to push past all the blues here are a few things I am thankful for tonight
  • Driving/Couponing/Shopping/Movie Watching with Chel
  • Dave helping me dye my hair (what a riot)
  • Old episodes of Amazing Race with Russian Subtitles....LOL
  • A happy picture of my sister, after riding on a hot air balloon
  • Wesley giving me a big hug
  • ENCHILADAS....YUMM
  • Good friends, no matter where they live

And so, to the dear ones that are leaving me, all four of you, I am not sure you read this, but if you do, I want you to know that you have all been huge in helping me put my life back together, and that I am forever thankful.

And remember,

say goodnight....not goodbye :)

A year already..

Since my new eating has not lasted very long, still working on it (just it taking its time, grin)
I thought I would write about something else close to my heart, and on my mind.

It has been a year this weekend, since my family was put back together. I can hardly believe it. I am so thankful to God for our second chance. I am also sorry for any moment in the past 365 days that I forgot for one moment how blessed I am.

To my husband, my best friend, my partner, my beloved.....I love you David. I know that this has not been an easy year for us. I know that from the moment I fell into your arms sobbing this time last year, there has been fear, and doubt and confusion. We have shared so much, and clung to each other and to God to carry us. Thats just what He has done isn't it? Carried us back to each other.

I think of you and I smile....It hits me right down inside, in the place that you have always been able to find me.

I love that we have found the ability to laugh and to play again. Lets hold on to it ok? Let the stresses and crap sink to the bottom, and grab onto all that is light and fun.

We have made some really great memories this year. Just reading over the blog for the past year, and I am reminded why we fought to keep us.

I love you!

Julie

Been feeling...well...miserable

I don't know why I keep falling into these patterns that I know are so bad for me. Feeling sorry for myself, melancholy....

I know that some of it is justified by my chemical makeup, but I do believe that some of it is a choice. The choice to continue to wallow, to look at all that is wearing me down, and forgetting all that brings me such joy.

I gave up my new way of eating, and have been lucky to not gain it all back.

So today, a new beginning...Yes, yet another one.

Gonna use this dormant blog to renew something again. This time last year I was beginning this blog with stories of fixing my marriage, this year - its about fixing me.

So baby steps....grin.

Today so far, I have had about a small coffee, with cream and sugar, and half a bagel with butter. I am full, so I will be taking the rest of my coffee to work for when I get hungry again.

Im feeling optimistic at the moment, so hopefully today will be a good day.

Well, my day at work was good, although tough. There was food EVERYWHERE. Figures as much when I am trying to avoid it.

I had a few bites of fruit, half a sugar cookie, 1/2 cup of pasta with tomato sauce and cheese, and a small piece of cake. Truthfully, hunger-wise, I could have done without the fruit, the bit of cookie, and the small piece of cake, but still a pretty good day.

Ill add in dinner later.

back to 100 facts...

I realized that I started this and never finished it - grin. So, I guess now is as good a time as any. In fact, maybe I will start over.
Mostly because I don't remember where I was at!

1. When I write, I need music on. It does not really matter what kind, it just sets me in the mood to write.
2. Right now it is "The Junkie Song" by the Be Good Tanya's.
3. I had the opportunity to see them at Folk Fest last year, and missed it :( I plan to be there this year though!
4. I associate music with people and memories, and sometimes will go months or even years without listening to something because
of the feelings it brings
5. I refuse to do this anymore.
6. I went to the movies tonight to watch "Bench Warmers" it was pretty lame..
7. Paul Haggis, the director of "Crash" and writer of "Million dollar Baby" is my fathers first cousin.
6. I like telling people that because I was always teased about my last name.
7. Called "Hag Bag" "Haggler" and "sheep guts"
8. My teachers always made this worse by explaining to all the students what Haggis is.
9. I speak to every one of my ex's. My husband thinks this is strange.
10. Well, all save for one I guess.
11. I love chocolate and Peanut butter together. My absolute fav is Perkins Peanut Butter Silk Pie.
12. I love the smell of a campfire.
13. I love to be in the water. I think part of it is because I do not feel the burden of all the extra pounds I carry around.
14. I worry that I will fail.
15. I am considering that I may have an addiction to garage sales.
16. I am struggling for more useless facts.
17. I used to pick my nose and eat it when I was a child. I honestly thought it kept cavities away.
18. That is the very first time I have EVER said that.
19. I am desperately afraid of heights and every time I watch the amazing race, I think.....I would maybe be able to do it. (the height stuff)
20. I wear sunglasses but they always fall of my eyes. I have a tiny nose.
21. I get really angry sometimes. More than I should I think :(
22. I laugh, REALLY hard. Everyone at the Theatre turns and looks at me.
23. I also cry REALLY hard. Yeah they look at me for that too!~
24. I hate shaving my legs and sometimes go months without!!! (in the winter)
25. I made it to 25! Yay. Song now is "My town" by Glass Tiger. I think Alan Frew is still very hot. He has got to be like ancient.
I saw him at the Ex two years ago. MMMM..... :) I think its the accent....

Update

Thought I should write...anything really just to fill up the space!
Life is good, I am doing well.

My wonderful friend Chel is home, and I am so thankful to have her back in my life, not that she wasn't before, but she is reachable now, and I can hug her whenever I want! Not to mention all the other cool stuff we like to do!

My boys are excited for Easter Weekend! This year we are doing the walk of the Cross, to remember what Jesus went through. I think this is a neat way to make it real for my kids.
I am singing in church on Easter Sunday, and I always so look forward to that! The boys are all excited for painting easter eggs, ham dinner, and of course the arrival of the Easter Bunny...

Things are starting to wind down for the year and I am thankful for the extra breathing space, but at the same time, miss some of the connections I had made. Hopefully we will all get together soon.

I am working on myself right now and that feels good. Doing things that are healthy for me, making new friends, rediscovering old ones, and just enjoying the fresh smell of spring. (Ok, well maybe fresh is stretching it....the smell of melthing dog poop would probably be more accurate, but you get the idea :))

I am still an avid couponer, and am enjoying my Wednesday night shopping as much as ever!

Looking forward to the summer season and taking things one day at a time!

Julie

Be love

Be love in the morning, the eyes that crinkle the first warm smile of the day
Be love when you fix your children's breakfast, pour into it with kindness
Be love when you feel tired, when you are sore and achy from the night

Be love as you leave your home, and reflect on all that is gifted to you
Be love as you walk down your street and gaze into the living rooms of those less fortunate
Be love to the old man who is always out mucking around his yard

Be love in your workplace, though you are tired of being taken advantage of
Be love when you make the coffee again, though you are the last one in
Be love to all the children that do not get it enough at home

Be love to the animals who get left outside all day long in the rain
Be love to the friend who is lost and lonely
Be love to the friend who claims they need no one

Be love when you cuddle to your loved one at the end of the day
Be love when you take out the garbage or similar mundane tasks
Be love when love is the furthest thing from your mind

Be love when it hurts to
when you are afraid you can't anymore

Make the choice to be love....and love will surely come back to you

Been awhile..

I dislike it when my words do not come easily. I just stare at what seems like a vast white space and try to think of how I should fill it.
So much going on in my head and heart. I suppose that is not new, and will be the reality of my life! In fact, I think that is the way it is meant. For us to constantly live and learn and reflect.

I went to a marriage enrichment weekend last weekend and it was so wonderful. Just having that time Dave and I, was on its own so wonderful and special, but the principles that they taught us and communication insights were not only humorous but very effective.

When I think of what I nearly lost, of all that I nearly ended for good.....Man, what I would have missed out on.

We never really know what is coming do we? We are so quick to base our lives on the moment, instead of what could be in the future.

My dear husband, for all the times you stood by me, all the times you didn't, all the times we fought so hard I thought there was no way back, all the times we nearly gave up......I am thankful.

We are now in such a different place. I thought that the word "we" was going to be gone for us.....

I want to encourage anyone that visits here that feels a little lost, or lonely.....Time is on your side. Things will get better.

I still battle the sadness sometimes, my moods add to my confusion and I can be really difficult to live with (just ask Dave) but, you know what, I am not alone.

Constant

There are some things in my life that seem constant. Take for instance the fact that my right shoelace continually comes undone as I am walking to work. Such a pain really, but now- after weeks of struggling with the damn thing, it makes me smile.

I was asked recently if I was happy. I replied yes, and have been kind of thinking about that ever since. I was standing in the bathroom this morning brushing my teeth and smiled at my reflection as I realized that yes....I am content.

I am not sure what the definition of happy is really. I can only relate it to what I interpret it as. To me....happiness is an emotion. Something that is fleeting and can trick us into thinking that we are somehow missing out on something, or that life is just mundane.

I get too caught up in my feelings, on a regular basis - tends to be my nature....but, I am at least recognizing it.

I was listening to a song on my way to work this morning, (courtesy of my dear friend Michelle) and it just really hit home with me.

I used to try so hard to be more, to be this great version of myself that I forgot all about enjoying what I all ready had. Strove so hard for greatness, that I lost sight of reality I think. (The dramatic in me) I am not saying that I do not have greatness in me, just that if it is forced, it turns out to not be that great at all.

Here is the song:

When I strip for my window
The audience is always easy
And when I kiss my pillow
At least I know what he sees in me

I could be seductive
But I'm just not seductive
I'm not the mystery
That you made of me
So I've boarded up the windows
Of my palace
So I've grown accustomed to Rose colored glasses

I called all the local papers
Saying look what he did to me
Look what he said to me
Don't take this guy seriously

Still I find myself on my knees
Repenting relentlessly
For what he didn't find in me
For what I didn't turn out to be

He says I boarded up the windows Of my palace
That I've grown accustomed to Rose colored glasses

So I live the life in pink
So I'm different than you think
So I'm not so outrageous -I'm not so outrageous

There was a time I was mighty
When I stood as tall as I can Yeah,
Once I was mighty
Now you've made even smaller Than I am

'Cause I've boarded up the windows Of my palace
I've grown accustomed to Rose colored glasses
So I live the life in pink
So I'm different than you think
I'm not so outrageous

So I couldn't do what you did
I'm a little more timid
I'm not so courageous
I'm not so courageous

Once I was mighty
Once I was mighty


Now, do not read into this that I am settling, or that I am unsatisfied somehow. More look at it as me coming home. I do live my life in pink - I look for the good where there maybe is not any, am constantly naive, and I take the biggest joy in the smallest areas in my life. Like having a favorite tube of toothpaste, or seeing my hibiscus with buds, or watching my son as he sleeps. I am excited to get the mail for hope there will be coupons, and my greatest excitment is getting something free.

I gave up a lot to come home -

and you know what.....

that is courageous.

Writing

I have realized that I get very "unbalanced" when I lose my self expression. Life has been kind of crazy lately and so I have not spent the time to write, reflect...

I have decided this is just not a good idea. I miss the way it feels when my hands glide over the keys of my keyboard, and my thoughts become concrete. It is the only time that I face a lot of things. The only time that I can form my thoughts into solid ideas, and admit that I am not always as well put together as I let on.

I think that is why when my life is hell, the writing comes easier. It just pours out of me, because I have no where left to put it.

Life as it is now, with its twists and turns is ever changing, and I am ok with that. I am happy.

So, let me tell you about some of the twists that have me reflecting today.

First of all, God is changing lots of stuff in my life right now, and to be honest, sometimes I wonder why. I was fortunate enough to connect with an old friend recently, which was in essence a great thing, but- with that I also learned about some very hurtful and cruel things being spread around my home town, that made me sick to my stomach.

I just don't understand people. I mean I know its a small town and gossip flies, but I certainly did enough last year, that warrants rumors. Why couldn't they focus on the true stuff atleast?
I don't really care what people think of me, but when you drag my family into things - well....That is just the line for me. Here's hopin I do not run into these people anytime soon.

Its all Juvenile really- But even the little things can end up carrying on. I just wonder what the message in it is for me. Do I let it go, or do I confront it?

In other areas- making some new friends, which is a breath of fresh air. I have felt pretty lonely over the last bit, and I am thankful that there are opportunities of friendship in my path.

Speaking of friends, I am continually reminded how much I miss the ones that no longer live close by. My friends, my family...Sometimes that gets to be so hard to bear. I miss my little sister. I never ever thought in my life that she would be married and away from me, and I would see her only once a year.

I think sometimes it is easier to shut them out. All these that I love that are so far from me.....Easier to forget, then to spend time in the remembering and missing.

Well, hell, I went and did it, made it all sappy and sad again. (I promise I do not try to make it depressing)

On a good note, my good friend Chel is coming home soon. That is a super-uber happy thing!!!! Well for me at least. (sorry chel) I am incredibly selfish I know. I do promise to try to make it fun for you too (as much as I can, wink)

Well anyway, I think I have blogged my brain out sufficiently for today.

Julie Out.
(He he, always wanted to say that)

love this pic too Posted by Picasa

David...I'm proud of you :) Posted by Picasa

I love this picture! Posted by Picasa

Snow Castles Posted by Picasa

Chumley the Christmas Dog Posted by Picasa

me and Drew Christmas Day Posted by Picasa

Happenings.....

I was pointed out the fact that I have not blogged in a long while today. It seems I do not write as much lately. I need to rectify this I think.

My title "Happenings" could really be retitled "Happy Things", hmm I like that.....how about:

  • Christmas Eve, building a snowman and having a snowfight in the freshly fallen snow.
  • Watching "The Chronicles of Narnia" with my boys and eating too much buttery popcorn.
  • Enjoying good food and friends both on Christmas and New Years Eve :)
  • Wrapping myself in my chenille throw and sitting on my couch with hot chocolate
  • Being jumped on and attacked with slobbery kisses by my Chumley in the morning
  • Waking up beside my husband and snuggling into his back
  • watching my sons get their yellow belts in Tae Kwon Doe
  • Chatting almost daily with my friend Michelle, and knowing she will soon be close enough to hug :)
  • Catching myself singing under my breath again
  • Discovering Pledge "orange oil" wipes, LOL
  • Seeing my boys playing with their Christmas gifts
  • Holding my husbands hand under the street light downtown Winnipeg with the soft snow falling down
  • Sitting in the "Suite" at the Bryan Adams concert
  • My husband throwing me a Surprise Birthday party!
  • Living in a clean house for two weeks straight :)
  • Looking forward to a great New Year!

Ahhhh yes.....it has been a wonderful time. A healing time.

Cheers to 2006 :)

Oh the weather outside is.....

Ahhhh, The Christmas Season.

I am so excited for Christmas this year it is unreal. I don't think I have held this childlike magic of Christmas in my heart for a long time.

I am all about the magic this year.

Trimming trees, baking cookies, decorating windows, lights....I just want it to show my heart. My boys are laughing, full of excitement and wonder. Just as it should be.

I can't wait to simmer my apple cider, and walk outside in the freshly fallen snow. To make snow angels, and build a snowman.

I want to sing "O Holy night", and light candles to remember why I celebrate this wonderful season.

Ahh yes, it is Christmas....and I am content.

Julie

Faith Love and Hope....A Journey

Honesty is a difficult thing sometimes.

I think sometimes honesty is not a trait as much as it is a choice.
A choice to believe that such a thing exists really.

I think I am honest, with myself, with others, but then sometimes I truly wonder if that is the case?
Or am I merely as honest as I can be for *that moment*

My honesty changes....My truth conflicts itself and I wind up running in circles.

Like one moment I am honest about life, and love and all things that seem important to me.
And the very next I find myself frustrated and angry, confused and sad.

What changed really? Certainly not my circumstances, only my ability to handle the truth.

The truth today is that I am angry.

I am hurt and angry and pissed off. Yesterday I felt used and neglected, inimportant and insignificant.

Today the honest truth is that I need to let go. I need to begin the healing that I would not let myself.
Today I choose to allow the hurt and anger....to look deep down at the truth of it all.
Today is time to begin again.

This has been a hard time for me this past couple of weeks. I have spent so much time thinking, and dreaming, and wondering.
I have assessed, reassesed, bargained, pleaded, cried, laughed, fought and struggled.

The results have not always been easy to face.

I still stand though....in honesty, in truth and knowing that I have made may way through it all.

I realize this is probaly very confusing and messed up. Makes sense to me though and I suppose that is what really matters.