There are some things in my life that seem constant. Take for instance the fact that my right shoelace continually comes undone as I am walking to work. Such a pain really, but now- after weeks of struggling with the damn thing, it makes me smile.

I was asked recently if I was happy. I replied yes, and have been kind of thinking about that ever since. I was standing in the bathroom this morning brushing my teeth and smiled at my reflection as I realized that yes....I am content.

I am not sure what the definition of happy is really. I can only relate it to what I interpret it as. To me....happiness is an emotion. Something that is fleeting and can trick us into thinking that we are somehow missing out on something, or that life is just mundane.

I get too caught up in my feelings, on a regular basis - tends to be my nature....but, I am at least recognizing it.

I was listening to a song on my way to work this morning, (courtesy of my dear friend Michelle) and it just really hit home with me.

I used to try so hard to be more, to be this great version of myself that I forgot all about enjoying what I all ready had. Strove so hard for greatness, that I lost sight of reality I think. (The dramatic in me) I am not saying that I do not have greatness in me, just that if it is forced, it turns out to not be that great at all.

Here is the song:

When I strip for my window
The audience is always easy
And when I kiss my pillow
At least I know what he sees in me

I could be seductive
But I'm just not seductive
I'm not the mystery
That you made of me
So I've boarded up the windows
Of my palace
So I've grown accustomed to Rose colored glasses

I called all the local papers
Saying look what he did to me
Look what he said to me
Don't take this guy seriously

Still I find myself on my knees
Repenting relentlessly
For what he didn't find in me
For what I didn't turn out to be

He says I boarded up the windows Of my palace
That I've grown accustomed to Rose colored glasses

So I live the life in pink
So I'm different than you think
So I'm not so outrageous -I'm not so outrageous

There was a time I was mighty
When I stood as tall as I can Yeah,
Once I was mighty
Now you've made even smaller Than I am

'Cause I've boarded up the windows Of my palace
I've grown accustomed to Rose colored glasses
So I live the life in pink
So I'm different than you think
I'm not so outrageous

So I couldn't do what you did
I'm a little more timid
I'm not so courageous
I'm not so courageous

Once I was mighty
Once I was mighty


Now, do not read into this that I am settling, or that I am unsatisfied somehow. More look at it as me coming home. I do live my life in pink - I look for the good where there maybe is not any, am constantly naive, and I take the biggest joy in the smallest areas in my life. Like having a favorite tube of toothpaste, or seeing my hibiscus with buds, or watching my son as he sleeps. I am excited to get the mail for hope there will be coupons, and my greatest excitment is getting something free.

I gave up a lot to come home -

and you know what.....

that is courageous.

I have realized that I get very "unbalanced" when I lose my self expression. Life has been kind of crazy lately and so I have not spent the time to write, reflect...

I have decided this is just not a good idea. I miss the way it feels when my hands glide over the keys of my keyboard, and my thoughts become concrete. It is the only time that I face a lot of things. The only time that I can form my thoughts into solid ideas, and admit that I am not always as well put together as I let on.

I think that is why when my life is hell, the writing comes easier. It just pours out of me, because I have no where left to put it.

Life as it is now, with its twists and turns is ever changing, and I am ok with that. I am happy.

So, let me tell you about some of the twists that have me reflecting today.

First of all, God is changing lots of stuff in my life right now, and to be honest, sometimes I wonder why. I was fortunate enough to connect with an old friend recently, which was in essence a great thing, but- with that I also learned about some very hurtful and cruel things being spread around my home town, that made me sick to my stomach.

I just don't understand people. I mean I know its a small town and gossip flies, but I certainly did enough last year, that warrants rumors. Why couldn't they focus on the true stuff atleast?
I don't really care what people think of me, but when you drag my family into things - well....That is just the line for me. Here's hopin I do not run into these people anytime soon.

Its all Juvenile really- But even the little things can end up carrying on. I just wonder what the message in it is for me. Do I let it go, or do I confront it?

In other areas- making some new friends, which is a breath of fresh air. I have felt pretty lonely over the last bit, and I am thankful that there are opportunities of friendship in my path.

Speaking of friends, I am continually reminded how much I miss the ones that no longer live close by. My friends, my family...Sometimes that gets to be so hard to bear. I miss my little sister. I never ever thought in my life that she would be married and away from me, and I would see her only once a year.

I think sometimes it is easier to shut them out. All these that I love that are so far from me.....Easier to forget, then to spend time in the remembering and missing.

Well, hell, I went and did it, made it all sappy and sad again. (I promise I do not try to make it depressing)

On a good note, my good friend Chel is coming home soon. That is a super-uber happy thing!!!! Well for me at least. (sorry chel) I am incredibly selfish I know. I do promise to try to make it fun for you too (as much as I can, wink)

Well anyway, I think I have blogged my brain out sufficiently for today.

Julie Out.
(He he, always wanted to say that)

love this pic too 

David...I'm proud of you :) 

I love this picture! 

Snow Castles 

Chumley the Christmas Dog 

me and Drew Christmas Day 

I was pointed out the fact that I have not blogged in a long while today. It seems I do not write as much lately. I need to rectify this I think.

My title "Happenings" could really be retitled "Happy Things", hmm I like that.....how about:

• Christmas Eve, building a snowman and having a snowfight in the freshly fallen snow.
• Watching "The Chronicles of Narnia" with my boys and eating too much buttery popcorn.
• Enjoying good food and friends both on Christmas and New Years Eve :)
• Wrapping myself in my chenille throw and sitting on my couch with hot chocolate
• Being jumped on and attacked with slobbery kisses by my Chumley in the morning
• Waking up beside my husband and snuggling into his back
• watching my sons get their yellow belts in Tae Kwon Doe
• Chatting almost daily with my friend Michelle, and knowing she will soon be close enough to hug :)
• Catching myself singing under my breath again
• Discovering Pledge "orange oil" wipes, LOL
• Seeing my boys playing with their Christmas gifts
• Holding my husbands hand under the street light downtown Winnipeg with the soft snow falling down
• Sitting in the "Suite" at the Bryan Adams concert
• My husband throwing me a Surprise Birthday party!
• Living in a clean house for two weeks straight :)
• Looking forward to a great New Year!

Ahhhh yes.....it has been a wonderful time. A healing time.

Cheers to 2006 :)

Ahhhh, The Christmas Season.

I am so excited for Christmas this year it is unreal. I don't think I have held this childlike magic of Christmas in my heart for a long time.

I am all about the magic this year.

Trimming trees, baking cookies, decorating windows, lights....I just want it to show my heart. My boys are laughing, full of excitement and wonder. Just as it should be.

I can't wait to simmer my apple cider, and walk outside in the freshly fallen snow. To make snow angels, and build a snowman.

I want to sing "O Holy night", and light candles to remember why I celebrate this wonderful season.

Ahh yes, it is Christmas....and I am content.

Julie

Honesty is a difficult thing sometimes.

I think sometimes honesty is not a trait as much as it is a choice.
A choice to believe that such a thing exists really.

I think I am honest, with myself, with others, but then sometimes I truly wonder if that is the case?
Or am I merely as honest as I can be for *that moment*

My honesty changes....My truth conflicts itself and I wind up running in circles.

Like one moment I am honest about life, and love and all things that seem important to me.
And the very next I find myself frustrated and angry, confused and sad.

What changed really? Certainly not my circumstances, only my ability to handle the truth.

The truth today is that I am angry.

I am hurt and angry and pissed off. Yesterday I felt used and neglected, inimportant and insignificant.

Today the honest truth is that I need to let go. I need to begin the healing that I would not let myself.
Today I choose to allow the hurt and anger....to look deep down at the truth of it all.
Today is time to begin again.

This has been a hard time for me this past couple of weeks. I have spent so much time thinking, and dreaming, and wondering.
I have assessed, reassesed, bargained, pleaded, cried, laughed, fought and struggled.

The results have not always been easy to face.

I still stand though....in honesty, in truth and knowing that I have made may way through it all.

I realize this is probaly very confusing and messed up. Makes sense to me though and I suppose that is what really matters.

Well, I realize it has been awhile since I wrote.
Wow, with working and all the extra curricular activities I have going on, blogging has fallen to the wayside I am afraid.
I do find blogging to be very helpful to me so I will make an effort to get to it more often.

The mornings lately are really hard to wake up. It is dark and cold, and just the kind of time where you want to curl up in your husbands
arms and fall back into sleep.

Right now the sky is a million shades of pink, swirled with the grey clouds, and pieces of blue. It is breathtaking. I can see it so brightly through my window here, and it makes me smile, in spite of my grumpy tired self this morning.

It is Friday....I am so thankful for that. Friday's are family day. We watch a movie and make pizza, and afterwards Dave and I curl up on there couch to watch a movie the two of us, often with a nice glass of baileys and milk. Friday's are my favorite day.

They remind me why I get up every morning. Why I go to work, why I come home, why I keep trying, keep believing....

This weekend we have lots of family fun planned with Halloween right around the corner. My boys are going as Kraft Dinner and Spaghetti and Meatballs. Hmm, think Mom was hungry when she suggested it? We are planning to carve the pumpkin and do some cookies for my youngest's class. And Sunday (family cooking day) its my oldest Son's day so he will be preparing a Halloween themed meal. Fun Fun. We are also planning to go to an auction on Sunday so I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of my weekend.

The crisp fall air brings some mixed emotions for me. I love the fall, and I have many happy memories, including the beginning of my married life. Seven years....wow. Anyway, I kinda digress there, but whatever. LOL. Well we work through these things don't we, and find our way the best we can I guess.

So, I am still avidly collecting coupons. It is such a thrill to me for some messed up reason. I think its the idea of free money. Like all those dollars
and cents will somehow make me rich. Ok well not rich, but hey, when you buy eight items at the grocery store like juice(the expensive vitamin/soy enriched kind) flaked chicken, and ham, and Lipton Soupmixes for 9 dollars it becomes worth it! :)

Ok so I have rambled on....off I go.

Have a Happy Halloween all!

I am heading to my best friend from highschool's wedding this weekend. I hate flying and so of course the nerves are all messed up.

I am excited to see her get married, so I suppose its all worth while. Plus its a chance to kick up my dancin shoes, and let down the hair.
(Not that there is lot to let down, specially since I just cut it again - but you get the picture, lol)

I am meeting up with a dear friend of mine Michelle, so I am excited for that too. I am dragging her to the wedding with me so I have someone to dance with and talk to, but truthfully her and my friend have a lot in common so I think they will hit it off fine!

So look out Toronto, here I come!

Still sick....

Still really sick.

Wish it would end, wish I could sleep....

Made it into work all week, but probably against better judgement gonna try to see a doctor today, or possibly go to emerge tonight.

Think it might be worse than I was letting on.

J

Man my house is just a mecca of illness.

I myself have the chest cold from hell, my youngest son is pretty much equally matched. My oldest has pink eye, and my husband is coming in a close third to holding the rank of the sickest family member.

I HATE it when we are sick. Eveyone is miserable, cranky....tempers are flaring. Man, it is just not a nice environment.

We found out some of our good friends are moving back home to southern Ontario. This is becoming a common occurrence.

On one hand, I am happy for them, on the other I am sad that they are leaving.

On my foot, LOL, I am jealous that they are going home to their family....

Sigh.

The job is going well, I still really enjoy it. I get tested by the parents and the staff on a regular basis but I am adapting and for the most part I think I am passing. :)

I will blog about things more interesting when the snot stops oozing out of every orifice's of my being.

I am so tired today.

My eyes are all puffy and sore, and my cough is worse by the day. I really need to get that looked at I think. (It all started from my quick jaunt with TKD that I am no longer joining)

I had a very emotional night last night, that left me with tons of things to think about and reflect on. Don't you hate that? That lying in bed trying to sleep because you are so worn down with fatigue both pysically and emotionally but you just cannot fall? Sigh, no rest for the weary they say.

I met with a bunch of people who share some of my struggles last night. Heard their stories, felt their pain, saw some hope, worried about what it all meant, felt that pull of confusion and dissillusionment. It was so refreshing to sit there among those that were not afraid to be real. It broke my heart to hear their stories, it healed it to know I was not alone.

I will leave you with this, something that meant an awful lot to me last night.

ROAD LESS TRAVELED

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth

Then took the other as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet, knowing how way leads onto way
I doubted if I should ever come back

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two roads diverged in a wood
And I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference


Robert Frost

Wow, barely online all week.

(that is a big change for me)

Got a job!

Started off the beginning of the week with 20 hours, and got a promotion (that I had to apply for) to 30 hours on my fourth day.

What a difference it has made in my life.

First of all, I am tired. Grin. But a good kind of tired.

I can't really put details of my job up here, because of confidentiality and such, but it is wonderful and I feel that I am making a real difference, which for me gives me such a sense of meaning and direction.

Anyway, I hope to post more later, but since I am really tired, I think I shall try to catch some needed zzzz's.

Julie

Some people think it is strange to talk to your plants, or to have a "relationship" with them at all. I however, on the other hand, love my plants and treat them as thought they are indeed part of my family.

Granted, this could be partially do to the fact that I live with four males (hubby, sons, and dog)and feel the need to even out the playing field by having female plants. (wink)

I am not sure what it is exactly, but seeing a plant grow and change, under my direction is a huge mood lifter for me.

I recently added a new member to my flora family. Hibby :)

Now see, many years ago in my old home town I had another hibby, A double bloom, red hibiscus that was well over 6 feet tall. She came to us because she was too big to move out of the house that she had grown up in.

I promised to care for her, and that I did. I loved that plant. She watched my children grow, listened to my silly stories and heard my endless singing. She never complained.

She would bloom for me constantly and I would praise her.

When we moved from that house and I found her a home in the Floral store I was working in, people offered me hundreds of dollars for her, but she was just not for sale.

I learned in a tragic way that not everyone loves their plants as I do. I gave her to the owner of the store when the store shut down. Poor hibby ran around in the back of her truck for over a week and eventually died.


It broke my heart.

Saturday I found another one. Identical, a red, double bloom tree hibiscus. I am happy, and you know what, today, she bloomed....

You Are 60% Weird

You're so weird, you think you're *totally* normal. Right? But you wig out even the biggest of circus freaks!