I had great hopes for real change this year, and as I reflect, I am not so sure I was overly successful. Although, I have such a feeling of overwhelming joy and excitement for 2010, that maybe I was far more successful than I give myself credit for.
I have felt for years that underneath my exterior and the person that I allow people to see is the real me. I have never really been able to put this into words, except maybe to say that I have spent my whole life hiding. Those who know me may laugh at this and not be able to reconcile the thought of the exuberant and passionate side of me as someone who hides, but the truth is those who know me the most, know that I spend the majority of my life controlled by fear.
I have spent some serious time thinking about why that is, what EXACTLY it is I am afraid of, and while I feel I am making some progress, I also know that I have a lot to learn about who I am, and why I am this way.
I know that I allow other people's thoughts about me, and my life, and my choices affect my decision making on a daily basis. I will purposely not pursue things I am interested in because I am afraid it will cause conflict in my life.
So, one of my new years resolutions, or whatever you would choose to call them, is to trust ME. To Believe in myself, to know that I am strong enough, smart enough, whatever, to make the decisions that are best for me. To stop hiding, to allow myself to shine despite how it may affect others around me.
I think the reality that in order for me to love myself, I have to be true to who I am is finally setting in. How can I possibly believe others when they tell me they love me, when I cannot say the same for myself. What kind of relationships can I really have with people if they do not really see ME.
2010 is my brand new start. I know that I often come out with these sentiments of grandure and cannot possibly measure up...but this time, I am not going to shove it all into a sentence like I will lose weight, or I will get my drivers license finally, or I will work on becoming more financially responsible, keep a cleaner home, be more organized, but this year, I will simply say, I will work on me, and those other things will fall into place if they are meant to.
I feel excited today. Hopeful for a fantastic new year.