I guess its just the act of putting it down, releasing it from my mind which truthfully keeps me up at night and makes me crazy. I suppose I hope that by typing it out I can make my head and heart settle.
There is nothing WRONG in my life, who knows, maybe that is why I am unsettled. I have a job I love, that allows me plenty of creativity and a chance to be around people - family life is good, all is well, but yet inside me, I feel like a storm is definitely brewing.
My boys are growing up. I think that has hit me really hard this summer. With one going into highschool, and the other into grade seven, the reality that my grip on them is slipping, that the days of them needing me to hold them in my lap and make them feel better are gone, I feel sad.
I am so happy for them for all of the exciting adventures ahead, and I am so proud of the little men I have raised, but the mama bear in me, well she is not having such an easy time of it.
And, in typical Julie fashion, the realization of them becoming men, reminds me of my own age, and of all the things in my life that I set aside so that I could be mom first and foremost. It leaves me taking a good hard look at myself, and not necessarily liking what I see.
So, I resolve to myself that its time to change - that there is really no reason in the world for me not to be the person I always felt I was meant to, that the excuses are running out and there is no one else to hide behind.
Problem is, I feel like underneath it all there is the ball of emotions that I have buried and stuffed down, and now I feel like they are all coming to the surface at once and I'm not sure how to deal with them. When you carry something for so long that you can't remember why or how you picked it up in the first place it is physically and emotionally crippling to try to put it down.
But the freedom is there - I can feel it. I think it scares me really...the not knowing what will happen when I finally break free of these chains that have held me down for so long. Afraid I will get hurt, afraid I will hurt someone else, unsure of who I am, and who I am supposed to be.
I suppose that is the caveat of change, that we just really never know, we only know that its time...and that we cannot run from change, it always finds us - whether we think we are ready not.