There are some things in my life that seem constant. Take for instance the fact that my right shoelace continually comes undone as I am walking to work. Such a pain really, but now- after weeks of struggling with the damn thing, it makes me smile.

I was asked recently if I was happy. I replied yes, and have been kind of thinking about that ever since. I was standing in the bathroom this morning brushing my teeth and smiled at my reflection as I realized that yes....I am content.

I am not sure what the definition of happy is really. I can only relate it to what I interpret it as. To me....happiness is an emotion. Something that is fleeting and can trick us into thinking that we are somehow missing out on something, or that life is just mundane.

I get too caught up in my feelings, on a regular basis - tends to be my nature....but, I am at least recognizing it.

I was listening to a song on my way to work this morning, (courtesy of my dear friend Michelle) and it just really hit home with me.

I used to try so hard to be more, to be this great version of myself that I forgot all about enjoying what I all ready had. Strove so hard for greatness, that I lost sight of reality I think. (The dramatic in me) I am not saying that I do not have greatness in me, just that if it is forced, it turns out to not be that great at all.

Here is the song:

When I strip for my window
The audience is always easy
And when I kiss my pillow
At least I know what he sees in me

I could be seductive
But I'm just not seductive
I'm not the mystery
That you made of me
So I've boarded up the windows
Of my palace
So I've grown accustomed to Rose colored glasses

I called all the local papers
Saying look what he did to me
Look what he said to me
Don't take this guy seriously

Still I find myself on my knees
Repenting relentlessly
For what he didn't find in me
For what I didn't turn out to be

He says I boarded up the windows Of my palace
That I've grown accustomed to Rose colored glasses

So I live the life in pink
So I'm different than you think
So I'm not so outrageous -I'm not so outrageous

There was a time I was mighty
When I stood as tall as I can Yeah,
Once I was mighty
Now you've made even smaller Than I am

'Cause I've boarded up the windows Of my palace
I've grown accustomed to Rose colored glasses
So I live the life in pink
So I'm different than you think
I'm not so outrageous

So I couldn't do what you did
I'm a little more timid
I'm not so courageous
I'm not so courageous

Once I was mighty
Once I was mighty

Now, do not read into this that I am settling, or that I am unsatisfied somehow. More look at it as me coming home. I do live my life in pink - I look for the good where there maybe is not any, am constantly naive, and I take the biggest joy in the smallest areas in my life. Like having a favorite tube of toothpaste, or seeing my hibiscus with buds, or watching my son as he sleeps. I am excited to get the mail for hope there will be coupons, and my greatest excitment is getting something free.

I gave up a lot to come home -

and you know what.....

that is courageous.


I have realized that I get very "unbalanced" when I lose my self expression. Life has been kind of crazy lately and so I have not spent the time to write, reflect...

I have decided this is just not a good idea. I miss the way it feels when my hands glide over the keys of my keyboard, and my thoughts become concrete. It is the only time that I face a lot of things. The only time that I can form my thoughts into solid ideas, and admit that I am not always as well put together as I let on.

I think that is why when my life is hell, the writing comes easier. It just pours out of me, because I have no where left to put it.

Life as it is now, with its twists and turns is ever changing, and I am ok with that. I am happy.

So, let me tell you about some of the twists that have me reflecting today.

First of all, God is changing lots of stuff in my life right now, and to be honest, sometimes I wonder why. I was fortunate enough to connect with an old friend recently, which was in essence a great thing, but- with that I also learned about some very hurtful and cruel things being spread around my home town, that made me sick to my stomach.

I just don't understand people. I mean I know its a small town and gossip flies, but I certainly did enough last year, that warrants rumors. Why couldn't they focus on the true stuff atleast?
I don't really care what people think of me, but when you drag my family into things - well....That is just the line for me. Here's hopin I do not run into these people anytime soon.

Its all Juvenile really- But even the little things can end up carrying on. I just wonder what the message in it is for me. Do I let it go, or do I confront it?

In other areas- making some new friends, which is a breath of fresh air. I have felt pretty lonely over the last bit, and I am thankful that there are opportunities of friendship in my path.

Speaking of friends, I am continually reminded how much I miss the ones that no longer live close by. My friends, my family...Sometimes that gets to be so hard to bear. I miss my little sister. I never ever thought in my life that she would be married and away from me, and I would see her only once a year.

I think sometimes it is easier to shut them out. All these that I love that are so far from me.....Easier to forget, then to spend time in the remembering and missing.

Well, hell, I went and did it, made it all sappy and sad again. (I promise I do not try to make it depressing)

On a good note, my good friend Chel is coming home soon. That is a super-uber happy thing!!!! Well for me at least. (sorry chel) I am incredibly selfish I know. I do promise to try to make it fun for you too (as much as I can, wink)

Well anyway, I think I have blogged my brain out sufficiently for today.

Julie Out.
(He he, always wanted to say that)