I find myself sitting up late again tonight. Too much on my mind I guess.
Do you ever get the urge to make a real change in your life? I do, all the time. Sometimes I even do it, like moving across the country a couple times. Those are kind of the drastic kinds of change, but is there something in your life, that you KNOW you need to change, and yet, try as you might, you never seem to be able to grasp it?

I try not to be too hard on myself in life, but I always feel like I am coming up short. The dreaded "What if" monster is always banging at my door and I seem to be so afraid all the time. It is always the same things I seem to run away from, and I can't ever seem to get a handle on it.

I am a believer in God. I have been since I was a teenager. God tells me not to fear. I should be secure in him, and yet...I still walk my life in fear. Fear of failure mostly. Fear of what I don't necessary understand, or fear of rejection.

I need to lose weight. Not just because my clothes don't fit, or because I feel fat (which I am) but because I am not healthy...I am so sick, all the time. I can't play with my kids the way they want, and I die inside at the thought of how ashamed my son is. He jokes around a lot, but I know how he really feels. Its heartbreaking...and yet, WHY OH WHY, can't I seem to get it right? Why is that damn chocolate covered granola bar, or those stupid chips, or the greasy fries more important to me than getting healthy? Why can't I keep up with myself when I get doing well?

I know that laziness is a biggie for me. I am honestly probably the most lazy person I know. However in some defense, you try carrying around an extra 120 pounds and see how easy it is to do day to day tasks. It kinda sucks. But really, its the choices you need to make everyday that should carry me through this. Apparently I am just not making the right ones.

I still don't have my drivers license, I can give you approx a million excuses why (trust me I have counted) but when the day is done and its late and here I sit in front of my computer and I get really honest, its just me...Just me and my fears. Just the humiliation of not passing over and over and the nagging anxiety of not wanting to do the work to get me there.

I typed up this new schedule tonight, about how I can suddenly manage my time well, and get up at 5:45 am and read my bible. How I can make time to do all the things I so know I need to do, like be a good mom to my kids and make sure they are doing their homework or, actually sitting down to a meal together everyday. Yep, typed it all out pretty and it sure looks nice on paper. Showed it to the hubby and he smiled and said how nice it was, but I know what he is thinking. Another one of Julie's little plans to make things better that will work for about a week...

He's probably right. 10 years together and I am pretty sure he hasn't seen me finish much of anything.

They say that Change has to begin somewhere...and I know where it has to start, I never have trouble with that part, its the making it last part I stink at. The follow through...

Someday's I wonder why I bother. Why oh Why do I keep trying?? Why do I care so much about trying to be better, get healthier, be cleaner, more organized? I mean I know I have my strengths, I am not completely down on myself, but I feel, no, I KNOW there is more to me. I see it sometimes, and I am not sure if its those glimpses of me that make me want to do it, or if its what makes me want to run away? Could I really be that afraid of succeeding? I mean wouldn't that be silly?

Wow, you poor souls who came here for a nice cheery update...I feel better though. I guess just getting real with you helps me get real with me.

So...I guess when it comes down to it - I never really quit until I stop trying. So, here is to trying again, and again, and probably again...until hopefully one day, I get it right.

Don't mind the pics, taken with a crappy camera and desperately tried to jazz em up a bit ;)

Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a.....

Uh oops, forgot myself a minute...Princess Bride, one of the best movies ever...

Dave and I just celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary. A couple years ago, I wanted to do something extravagant to celebrate it, but with the move and all that has been going on, we just aren't going to have the finances or time to take a trip this year. So, alas that will go on the back burner.

I decided to mark our 10 years together I would write about 10 of my favorite memories from my wedding day and honeymoon.

My wedding day
I have various memories that stand out about that day, but here are a couple that were on my mind recently:
* the breakfast before the service in which my mother, my sister, and my bridesmaid laura insisted that since nerves were at an all time high we should have fruit and cereal (we were at a restaurant) to which me and Cherie (another bridesmaid and my high school best friend) looked at each other, shrugged and ordered bacon and eggs and the whole schabang...
* Cherie telling a joke during photos about a peanut that came out sounding an awful lot like another name for men's genitals and having to retrack and tell it all over again while we all killed ourselves laughing, and my sister using that same joke at dinner during speeches to stop herself from crying.
* Walking down the aisle and trying to get a good look at my groom to be which was incredibly difficult because I was crying too hard
* Dancing with my dad to Butterfly Kisses (before the song was done to death)

and last but not least:

*Going to the beautiful chalet for my first night of married bliss in which my husband spent hours doing wonderful things to me (uh huh, by wonderful I mean picking out 5 million bobby pins out of my hair while I cried and had mascara all over my face making me look like a raccoon)

The honeymoon

* The first couple nights we spent at a chalet drinking the Maneshevitz from our wedding communion and playing bridge. Which by the way I learned to please my sweet new husband and I am pretty sure we haven't played since then ;)

* Niagara falls there are a few great memories from that trip! Most prominent HAS to be my husband deciding to eat shrimp and getting food poisoning ending up at the hospital on IV's and generally puking and all that good stuff in our beautiful room while I sat in the heart shaped jacuzzi alone.

* Alien Encounters - ok some kitschy little tourist trap, you go in, an alien "gets loose" and you run through this little haunted house kinda thing. I was soooooo scared, really...honest. Poor Dave, he had to calm me down. I mean it was NOT scary, but you all know me...

* Losing 3 of my fake nails playing whomp it! We must have spent like 50 dollars on that stupid game in order to win Drew a little souvenir that we than lost.

* Singing Karaoke and having a lady from Fox Broadcasting give me her card (that I lost :()

*Seeing the falls at night all lit up and feeling the cool mist on our faces

and lastly....my absolute favorite memory from my wedding/honeymoon...

Dancing with my new husband to our wedding song and knowing that this was the beginning of something wonderful...

And even though there have been tough times, I would still do it again today.

I love you David!
Here is to 10 more....


Note: this is the song we danced to; the video is from the movie "love's enduring promise" so not related to me at all ;)
Great movies though! I reccomend.

And I am beyond exhausted. Worst part is, my spirit is down. I think I have had a combined total of maybe 8 hours in the past 5 nights, and I am just not cutting it. My kids need me, my house is a total mess, and I am feeling awfully run down.

I am supposed to be going away this weekend, and am hoping that this clears up soon.

Blah.

I thought as my first new blog post in a million years, it would be appropriate to post about the things that make me thankful...

We just moved across the country recently, so I am enjoying being home in the North ;)

I am thankful to be close enough to my parents to have impromptu sleepovers, coffee dates, movie nights, campfires, and shopping trips! To be able to cultivate and enjoy a new found relationship with both of my parents...

I am thankful that my boys are glad to go to school everyday, and neither has any trouble with bullies this year.

that the boys have friends that live down the street and call our house constantly and are always stopping in.

I am thankful that I live in a house I love, take pride in, and isn't falling apart every week.

I am thankful for my new job that not only keeps some money coming in, but also gives me the opportunity to be creative, learn new skills, and keep in daily contact with a good friend!
I am also thankful it allows me to be at home and do the things I want to do, when I want to do them.

I am thankful for my new church and the relationships that are forming there. I am excited to feel so part of something so quickly and be blessed so richly by all of the wonderful things God provides for me.

I am thankful for new friends, crazy and funny and tons of fun to be with....and old ones that I miss everyday and wish I could spend more time with.

I am thankful for my doggie Snoops, who keeps me on my toes. He has come out of his shell to a huge degree, and is happy and energetic and has free reign of our yard.

I am thankful that I live on a street where I can commune with the birds, walk among nature, and enjoy a campfire in the yard.

I am thankful for my husband's job that doesn't leave him so stressed out at the end of the day, and that he can finally say he is enjoying life...

I am thankful for my marriage, despite its difficulties, twists and turns...Where it has been, and where it is going, I am so very thankful....

Read the blog yesterday. Start to finish. Crazy how much has happened in the past few years. It made me sad that I have stopped blogging, almost like there in no longer something for me to reflect back on in a few years from now.

Seems a waste to throw it all away, so stay tuned for some new stuff coming to a blog near you ;)