I find myself sitting up late again tonight. Too much on my mind I guess.
Do you ever get the urge to make a real change in your life? I do, all the time. Sometimes I even do it, like moving across the country a couple times. Those are kind of the drastic kinds of change, but is there something in your life, that you KNOW you need to change, and yet, try as you might, you never seem to be able to grasp it?

I try not to be too hard on myself in life, but I always feel like I am coming up short. The dreaded "What if" monster is always banging at my door and I seem to be so afraid all the time. It is always the same things I seem to run away from, and I can't ever seem to get a handle on it.

I am a believer in God. I have been since I was a teenager. God tells me not to fear. I should be secure in him, and yet...I still walk my life in fear. Fear of failure mostly. Fear of what I don't necessary understand, or fear of rejection.

I need to lose weight. Not just because my clothes don't fit, or because I feel fat (which I am) but because I am not healthy...I am so sick, all the time. I can't play with my kids the way they want, and I die inside at the thought of how ashamed my son is. He jokes around a lot, but I know how he really feels. Its heartbreaking...and yet, WHY OH WHY, can't I seem to get it right? Why is that damn chocolate covered granola bar, or those stupid chips, or the greasy fries more important to me than getting healthy? Why can't I keep up with myself when I get doing well?

I know that laziness is a biggie for me. I am honestly probably the most lazy person I know. However in some defense, you try carrying around an extra 120 pounds and see how easy it is to do day to day tasks. It kinda sucks. But really, its the choices you need to make everyday that should carry me through this. Apparently I am just not making the right ones.

I still don't have my drivers license, I can give you approx a million excuses why (trust me I have counted) but when the day is done and its late and here I sit in front of my computer and I get really honest, its just me...Just me and my fears. Just the humiliation of not passing over and over and the nagging anxiety of not wanting to do the work to get me there.

I typed up this new schedule tonight, about how I can suddenly manage my time well, and get up at 5:45 am and read my bible. How I can make time to do all the things I so know I need to do, like be a good mom to my kids and make sure they are doing their homework or, actually sitting down to a meal together everyday. Yep, typed it all out pretty and it sure looks nice on paper. Showed it to the hubby and he smiled and said how nice it was, but I know what he is thinking. Another one of Julie's little plans to make things better that will work for about a week...

He's probably right. 10 years together and I am pretty sure he hasn't seen me finish much of anything.

They say that Change has to begin somewhere...and I know where it has to start, I never have trouble with that part, its the making it last part I stink at. The follow through...

Someday's I wonder why I bother. Why oh Why do I keep trying?? Why do I care so much about trying to be better, get healthier, be cleaner, more organized? I mean I know I have my strengths, I am not completely down on myself, but I feel, no, I KNOW there is more to me. I see it sometimes, and I am not sure if its those glimpses of me that make me want to do it, or if its what makes me want to run away? Could I really be that afraid of succeeding? I mean wouldn't that be silly?

Wow, you poor souls who came here for a nice cheery update...I feel better though. I guess just getting real with you helps me get real with me.

So...I guess when it comes down to it - I never really quit until I stop trying. So, here is to trying again, and again, and probably again...until hopefully one day, I get it right.


Lorena said...

Hey you. I realized my comment to you was going to be very long so I have blogged it instead. I love you Julie and think you are wonderful just as you are.

vjc said...

I know those lists - I keep making them too. The schedules, the budgets (this one's a killer for me), the diets and all those other things that we want to get a handle on.

What I've learned - start small. Really small if necessary. The big plans look overwhelming so I stop. But if I pick something I know I can do - ie. chew a piece of gum instead of raiding the kid's candy stash, or not having the computer save the password to my favorite online shopping site (because I'm bad at remembering passwords) - then eventually I can look back and realized I have made a change for the better. And then the next goal can be a little bigger but doesn't look so daunting.

It also helps to get someone on your side. Even just telling them the goal helps you realize you are serious about it. You may occasionally resent them :) but they're a huge help when they know your goal and can keep you focused.

And be kind to yourself. We all goof up. You have so many gifts and talents. Don't lose sight of them on the schedule.