insomnia again...

It has been awhile since the big I-Monster has shown its face for me, but when he does, it is always a tough one to overcome.

It think that truthfully, I bring it on myself when I am stressed or confused, and cannot seem to find peace enough for my head and heart to slow down and allow me to sleep.

As a Christian, I have struggled with this for years. I know that I am supposed to cast away all fears, and not worry. I know that I am supposed to be able to have peace in my heavenly Father, but truthfully, I have never quite mastered that. I can sometimes, but not nearly as often as I would like.

My heart is heavy as we begin the year 2007. I have so much hope for this year. I want to believe it will be the best yet, but so far I have been saddened by goodbyes.

I think that my heart does things to protect itself on a regular basis. I think that being such an emotional person, I have had to "shut-off" where a lot of my family and friends are concerned. I keep them at a safe distance so as to allow myself to enjoy my life where I am, and not hurt at the thought of them being so far away all the time.

Unfortunatley, sometimes when I am face to face with this reality, it truly seems too much to bare. People I love with all my heart are struggling with so many things, and I feel so helpless.

One of my dearest friends lost her child at the beginning of this year. My heart is so broken for her. How can I, someone who believes in a just God, offer her any kind of hope or answers, when I myself wonder how God could allow such a horrible thing? I know that bad things happen, I know in my heart that these things can happen at any time, but it seems so useless and cruel. I am angry. I am sad. I wish I could be there for her. I wish I could make it all better. Again, I am helpless...

I do not mean for my first post of the year to be so depressing. I am hopeful for good things to come, but I also need to allow myself and others to feel the sadness of things that have come this year.

To those of you near and far, I am sorry I am not stronger. I may seem shut off sometimes, and uncaring. The truth is, I care too much. So, in case you need to hear it again, in the passing of the old, and beginning of the new. I love you...may the new year be a happy one filled with many blessings - and may we grow stronger with our trials, and build our relationships through our losses.



Coutts said...

you aren't alone. none of us is very strong. well, One is.

Newlyweds Blog said...

I know your heart for those you love.. I have felt it over the years, and like you we both wear it open to the world. Just know that I know you care.. and when we both have the words we will talk. I love you my Julie.


lorena said...

Hey Julie. I am thinking about you, and praying that you will find the peace that passes all understanding, especially now when you need it so much, and sleep so you will be strong enough.
(from one of the many people who love you very much)