Ok, so that is kind of lame, but in an effort to be honest with myself and my faithful following (grin) I figure I need to lay it out.

So life is ever-changing. I have decided that I just cannot get my head wrapped around some things.

I admit I am a mess. I am the first to say that I am on a long journet to any kind of true happiness and that I am far from perfect. I know that my emotions are all fucked up and that I need some help. I am tired, tired of hiding, of fearing, of being ashamed.

Look this is me, ok? I am just me, nothing less, nothing more. And you want to know what else....laugh...I am not even sure who me is. Ya, ain't that the sad truth.

Lets see...I am a contradiction in terms. I am one big mess, one huge pile of crap to sort through.

I am ok with that though. I know that I need work, that I need to find me, that I need some guidance, but I am not so sure that the others in my life can handle it.

It seems like yesterday that I was never lonely. I always had something to do or someone to see, never had to worry about having someone to talk to or go for coffee etc.

Well now that I have tried so hard to put my life back together, almost everyone has
disappeared. I am lonely. I am confused.

Not that many of you will understand this reference because I tend to go off to the deep end sometimes, but this song is in my heart today:

Oh brother I can't, I can't get through
I’ve been trying hard to reach you 'cause I don’t know what to do
Oh brother I can't believe it's true
I’m so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you
Oh I wanna talk to you

You can take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done

Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?
Tell me how you feel?
Well I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak
And they're talking it to me

So you take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done
Or do something that's never been done

So you don't know where you're going and you wanna talk
And you feel like you're going where you've been before
You tell anyone who'll listen but you feel ignored
Nothing's really making any sense at all, let's talk
Let's talk, let's talk, let's talk.

Signing off,


An anonymous poster asked why this picture was reflective of my mood, so I thought I would oblige.

First of all, the colors were very accurate. I was feeling very drained of color.

The branches were barren but you can tell they were once beautiful and lush.

Trees have a very special meaning to me, I often relate them to the symbol of life, as well as different places I have been in my life, like the seasons.

This photograph captures my mood, like the tree stares into the water searching for its true reflection and seeing only the image of itself rippled and blurry and unsure what it means.

The roots are well established and full, but yet the sun is not shining, and there are no blossoms or new growth.

The tree is reaching up, seeking out the sun's warmth, but yet, almost content to rest in darkness.

This picture captures me today, thought I would share Posted by Picasa

catching up

I am behind...

so I will do the next 20.

21 - I am very passionate. I do everything by te extremes, all or nothing, and truthfully it gets me messed up, hurt and disapointed more often than naught. I am working on this.

22 - My new official food is Papa Murphy's gourmet vegetarian Pizza, which, since we cannot get it in Canada, I am at work trying to recreate.

23 - Music is my greatest passion.

24 - I have never tried sushi.

25 - I am a huge procrastinator. I am also lazy. These are also things I am working at.

26- I secretly think I can make a difference.

27 - I believe in God, and try to live my life in faith.

28 - One of my all time favorite Christian songs is Worlds Apart by Jars of clay. It hits home, especially lately.

29 - I put far too much worth in other people's opinions.

30 - I pretend that I don't.

31 - Chocolate literally calls to me. I almost always answer.

32 - I am lonely.

33 - I have always wanted to learn to dance.

34 - My little sister is my hero. I think her determination, sense of self, and strength are qualities I need more of.

35 - I miss my family. I have always been the type that believed in the philosophy of "It takes a whole village to raise a child" and never imagined being so far from them.

36 - I like liverwurst. LOL, never admitted it as a child. (still have trouble)

37 - I feel things like no one else I know. My emotions are so huge sometimes it suffocates me.

38 - I cry at movie previews.

39 - I love camping, and was afraid I lost that.

40 - I love Frisbee, badminton, volleyball, and softball. I never played because all the kids called me fat, and never had confidence. I WILL play all of these things again.

10 for today

Ok. As I just went out on a date with my hubby to the movies, Ill start with that.

11 - I LOVE popcorn. I am a popcorn freak, more butter the better!
12- I went through a faze with a turkey baster trying to make the perfect popcorn
13 - Lone Justice is my favorite band. The lead singer Maria Mckee absolutely rocks!
14 - I recently learned (finally) how to pee in the bush
15 - I had a hampster named Presley. He was hillarious. He got caught once in a heating duct and we wrote him off for dead. The next day we could hear scratching and amazingly he was alive. He came out full of soot with his hair all spiked up. I figured he was just earning his name....grin.
16 - My favorite color is Yellow. However to wear is pink. Yellow brings out my happy side and pink my romantic side.
17 - I am a struggling yet aspiring singer/songwriter. I also love to act.
18 - I am also a writer. (Gee can you tell which side of the brain I use?)
19 - I worked for a year in a travel agency. I liked it.
20 - I worked for nearly two years in flowers. First shop was good, the second one - Quality Flowers and Gifts, was my home. I still dream of that little shop and its wonderful owner, all the time...Sigh. Miss ya Heather....

well that is it for today....tune in tomorrow for another edition of.....its your life!!! (now go get a real one)

100 things about me....an idea from Gadgetgrl :)

Let's see....this is where it gets fun.

1- When I was a little girl, I used to have a doll. I named my doll the same name I told everyone that I would one day name by daughter. Her name was prisicka (Thank God I had sons)
2 - I used to be a compulsive liar.
3 - crap, am I only on three...ummmm, my mother did my highlights blonde once and I looked like I had spaghetti on top of my head...
4 - which, by the way, did NOT match my dark brown hair and BUSHY eyebrows
5 - speaking of which, I had my eyebrows "roped" once, an east indian way of removing eyebrows, and my cousin and aunt were laughing so hard I thought they were going to pee them selves because the lady was yelling "too bushy, too bushy" *- ya, if you think waxing is bad, that stuff feels like razor blades
6 - I was almost named "Darby" or "Bethany" yikes.
7 - I have always had a problematic bladder.....(lots of funny stories there)
8 - I also have tons of embarrassing moments!
9 - I have huge nasty feet, that plagued me with warts when I was young, and athletes foot as I got older. Great eh?
10 - (my last one for today) I absolutely cannot stand when my husband farts, but my farts don't bother me. LOL

Tim Hortons is calling me.....

Ok, so a week ago, I decided that I was going to kick my coffee addiction. I am in the midst of revamping my life and getting my fat ass in gear towards becoming healthy.

Well....when you drink a large triple triple a day pretty much this habit is harder than I thought to kick.


Well the thing that is the real kicker is I have (in my new plan) made it so I will reward myself with a Timmies on Saturday and Sunday....but now I am wondering if it will make it harder to do this all over again next week.

Maybe Ill just have one on Saturday. Ack, I can't yard sale without my Timmies.....Heaven FORBID!

Looks like we might go to a farm auction this weekend (thanks to a referrel from my good friend gadgetgrl) I am excited about that, have never been to one (didn't exist where I am from) and so now I finally have the excuse to go! (not so dure the hubby shares my enthusiasm, but like the wonderful guy he is, he is humoring me....)

So, a good old fashioned weekend with garage sales and Timmies, and everything, and I am looking forward to my family time!

Let you know how it all goes!

Vacation, summer ending, and life today...

Wow, its been awhile.

Lets see, I spent nearly five weeks away on various vacations. Got to see lots of my family and I am so greatful for that.

We had a wonderful time, lots to do and see. I have pictures stored at www.thehagglunds.blogspot.com if you want to browse.

I am doing well - enjoying my family. I am still trying to figure some things out for myself, thats how it goes, I guess, but for the most part all is well.

I got to see the Ocean for the first time. I felt so small in her vastness. I will remeber the smell of the mist of it in my hair for awhile I think.

We travelled to the Monterey aquarium and had a great day there.

I met my brand new baby neice, Zoe, a day after she was born. What a treat. Sigh, made me want a daughter again, hopefully that longing will fade in time. Like on Saturday morning when I can sleep till 10 am because my sons fix there own breakfast and watch cartoons....grin.

Talk to you all soon,

Really Quick, yes I am alive post!

Been on vacation, so been crazy busy.

Am flying home from California today.

Will update on how things have been.