lots of fun! 

Happy in the water 

My sleeping beauties, on our family vacation to the states this weekend. 

but I have needed some time to think, and reflect and all that typical moody, brooding, creative crap I do.

I eluded to the fact that I have had some changes going on, and that is indeed the truth. I do however need to be careful how I verbalize them for probably obvious reasons (wink)

Truth is I am sitting at the computer right now, its after eleven in the morning, and while I would be typically running around getting stuff ready at work, I am sitting here typing to you and sipping my coffee. Oh, and breathing, I am doing that too.

Those of you who visit here, most of you know me pretty well, or at least think you do, :) and so it should probably not come as a surprise that I was in need of a break. The past two years of my life have held some of the most intense moments. I have gone through things I never would have imagined I could, or would, but I did, and truthfully, the scars are still there, blaring and red, and raw, and a constant reminder of what I face everyday.

I want you to know that I think the scars are so important. They remind me everyday of where I have been, what I have come through, and what my family is capable of overcoming. They also console me sometimes when the memories of my past find their way into my head and heart.

I am a sensitive sort, have always been. I cry at long distance commercials, and at movie previews. I can sob over a song I hear in the supermarket, or the smell of a hairspray I wore when I was 15. I suppose it never really occured to me that this was not very healthy, it seemed normal enough to me. I had always been that way, so why should it be any different now?

I apologize for the sporatic posting, I am aware that I am all over the place, however beggars cannot be choosers and you are lucky I am updating at all.

The snow is really coming down now. Its swirling around the pine trees in the empty lot beside me. It seems to wrap itself around the tree and slwoly I can see it covering the needles. It seems peaceful, almost like the tree and the flakes are dancing. It is striking.

Sigh, I am thankful for this moment, this one right here. I suppose I will file it inside with so many other moments. You know the kind? the ones that make you thankful you are alive in that moment. For me, they are the moments that I know there is a God.

Wow, I really am all over the place! Anyway, I am hoping to write more often now that I am at home. Slowing myself down, resting, and renewing...

I just want to add a few more things, since this post is so out there anyway...

Mom, I miss you. I want you to know that I love you....that you have been my strength, my reason for wanting to be a better person. You are the best, and no matter what we have been through, those memories that I have collected through the years, so many of them are shared with you. I am so proud of how far you have come. You are an inpiration to me.

Lisa, awww....you rock. LOL. Stand tall kiddo. Stand tall and embrace finding yourself. You are the truest of people I know, beautiful.

Meesh....you crazy woman! LMAO, without you, I am not sure how I could have survived these past couple years. I love ya, you are a huge part of my heart. We have many adventures in store for us!

David, not sure the words will ever really do justice to what I feel about you. You teach me about myself every day, you challenge me, frustrate me, support me, hold me, and love me. You are my partner in every sense of the word. I am blessed to share my life, my love, and my sons with you. I love you.

Cher, I know we don't talk much anymore, and I think that needs to change. I know we keep up with each other via our blogs, but I would love to be a bigger part of your life, especially now. You will be a wonderful mom! I am so excited for you. I think of where you and I have been in our lives, my son will be ten when your babe is born, who would have thought? :)

L- I know you don't like stuff aired out on blogs so I will cut this short. I am so thankful for you. You inspire me all the time. I look forward to our friendship growing. I just have one request, sing more often will ya? I love your voice.

to all my old but good friends from SA- Just in case you don't know, just in case I have not told you - I miss you. I wish you all the best in your new lives, but I think you need to know that you have had, and continue to have a huge impact on my life. Blessings to you my friends. Tasha and Colin - you know, you still are right around the corner, did I mention that I am thankful for that? Let's do games night soon!

Ok, so now that I have written out in public things that are better said in private, I will sign off for now.

I am sorry for the mushy, its just that right now, its where I am at.

I will post some pics soon, including one of me with my new nose piercing.

Oh, ya forgot to mention that one eh?

Sandi Thom I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker with flowers... (HQ)

The song that never ends....Ok, so as much as I LOVE this song, it is permanently STUCK in my head!

.....Ohhhhhh I wish I was a punk rocker....

A recent picture. I have not updated in a while, so it is my plan to do so this week. I have some things changing in my life right now, so I will take a moment to keep you posted! 

My husband has been gone all week on business. I would like to report that I have been more than self sufficient without him, and that it was a breeze parenting on my own, and I suppose that would be partly true.


I had a family meeting on Sunday with the boys and devised a plan of attack for the week. I was quite impressed with my brilliance, however by Wednesday, I had developped this awful sinus-migraine-chronic neck pain thing, and so most of my great plan went out the window.

I would love to report that I was the picture of patience and the best Mom around, but I did lose my temper a couple of times. (When almost the full bottle of cleaner got spilled on the boys new books, and they left took a shower and flooded the basement)

but....overall, I did ok.

I had some really great moments with my boys, and I was reminded over and over again, of just how fast they grow up. School is back in full swing, and it amazes me that my I have a child old enough to be in Grade Four! ( I had my first date in grade four - we went to see Beetlejuice in the theatre. I also married my first husband in Grade Four, lol)

I have not slept well this past week, that much is for sure. I would try, and toss and turn. I think I have had less than a 3 hour a night average. My brain just won't shut off.

All the alone time, and my thoughts begin to scare me. It is amazing the things we can get all worked up over when we have nothing to occupy our minds. So, my goal
is to just relax the rest of the week, and not let myself get all stressed out.

To remind myself of all the reasons that I am who I am. All the reasons I choose this life everyday.

Tomorrow is Friday. Family Movie Night......time to cuddle up with my boys and mounge down on Pizza and Popcorn.

My favorite thing.

Wes turns seven!

and last but not least, my beautiful Hibiscus who is COVERED in buds and blooms! 

A really hilarious shot of me, telling Dave to bugger off! 

I took this great shot of my Mother in laws purple Cone flower (Echinacea) 

You too my Wes! Seven already (this weekend) 

And we had some birthdays! Happy First Birthday Zoe! 

I love this picture 

Baby Zoe, who is not such a baby anymore :( In a hat made by Grandma! 

Me getting my cow hat from my neice  

Christmas in August with the Hagglund Family 

I so regret that I did not buy this hat....haha 

Im getting eating by a tyranosaurus rex.....you know the song, or don't you...hehe 

OK this is just frikkin hilarious......look at wesleys face! 

ok this one is just because I am so proud of my bravery. Yes that is a giant insect on my hand...a millipide to be exact. Eww... 

ok so, in an effort to show some pics and not bomabrd you here are five of my favorites....inside a mouth at Science North 

After what feels like forever, I am home....

How wonderful to have spent time with my family. I miss them so much, and it was wonderful to share laughter and tears with my mom. We had our shopping adventures, our day at the hairdressers, and a lovely meal together. There is nothing in the world like the bond between a mom and her daughter :)

I think one of my favorite memories was of doing a deep sea mask with my mom, and trying not to laugh at how ridiculous we looked as it hardened on our faces. Ha...We kind of looked like the incredible hulk.

It was good to be able to massage my dad's shoulders, and hear him sneeze (I know that might seem odd, but believe me no one sneezes like my dad, its quite a thing to experience) I loved being there in their home, and watching their relationship bloom with their grandsons.

And like all good things, it came to an end far too soon.

We did however get the opportunity to spend some wonderful quality family time together on our way home. Off we went to Valleyfair, and made some great memories!

I will share some pics and maybe a video later :)

I think however one of my favorite memories from this trip will be the long drive home. Our whole family listened to "The Chronicles of Narnia" all seven books, over the course of nearly 22 hours of travel.

I found myself caught up in the magic, and not at all were the parallels of these stories and God lost on me. I found myself softening and relating to my Saviour in ways I had forgotten. In ways that only a child can.

I come home refreshed, renewed and repentant. For all the ways I failed to be the reflection I would have wanted, and my constant want to change people that I have no business changing.

My heart is happy, and content.

I am looking forward to the fall, I feel the winds of change, and this time, they feel warm against my cheek; like an embrace from a very dear and long forgotten friend.

Sand Castles with Tia and Uncle Jean-Luc 

Beaver tails with Tia 

mom and her boy 

us again 

Dave and I 

Drew at the beach 

Well, I know its been forever, so I figured now was as good a time to update as any.
My little men are off on an adeventure.

They flew by themselves off to Ottawa to their Auntie Tia's for four days of adventures, and are now at my parents house
after a short stint at my Grandparents cottage!

I miss them....

I can't believe how much. I am so excited for them to be having this time though....What wonderful memories to be made.

Dave and I are enjoying our time, although it has taken me a few minutes to get use to the difference of pace. We had a "date" night last week and went to the Drive-In Theatre, watched Superman, and Click (both of which I recommend) and stayed up till 4 am. I was so proud of us, we can never make it up that late! :)

I am excited for our travels as we are taking the Stateside to pick up the boys, and the one time I did that trip it was in the middle of the night, so I am looking forward to actually exploring it a bit. We are staying in Superior, WI, and on the way home will be staying in Eden Prairie Minnesota, (right near Minneapolis) and taking the boys to Valleyfair.

I am excited (can you tell)

I am looking forward to spending time with my parents, and hopefully seeing my sister, and my grandparents.

We are also in the middle of cleaning our very messy house and getting ready to have a yard sale to get rid of all of our clutter so hopefully upon our return the house will me clean and organized for the rest of summer!

Hope everyone is having a great summer, I will post some pics :)

Julie

She sits up and faces the new day with a yawn and a stretch,
the sunlight trapped between her hands, dancing, searching, calling her to awake.

She smiles when she realizes it is Saturday.

Glancing over at her husband, she gently traces his forearm, playing with its celtic markings.

She reaches over to him and whispers softly, “Wake up”

She giggles as he remains asleep.

Slipping from the sheets, she walks downstairs.

She carefully measures out the grinds of coffee, embracing the smell

Watches as it percolates, finds the strangest joy in the tiny drops as they get lost in the sea of dark liquid

Pleased that the weather has co-operated in her plans, she proceeds up back up the stairs

She stares in at the peaceful, gentle faces of her boys.

With a fierce pride, she blinks back the tears that surprisingly find their way to her eyes, and calls them to awake.

Her oldest throws on some clothes, eager to participate in the day’s activities. His impish grin, funky hair, and slept in appearance makes her laugh out loud.

Her youngest not quite as convinced, demands some form of enticement for his loyalty to his mothers hobby

None to pleased with the ultimatum, and yet secretly impressed by his creativity she promises a Chocolate Chip Muffin from the local Coffee Shop.


They all fall in line with her as she shuffles them out the door.
Nothing like some quality family time Yard Saling.

Ok, I need some help. I have been incerdibly lazy with my writing lately. I need to challenge myself. Soooo,
my few readers, would you kindly help me out by giving me a few words each to write about.
I need say, six to eight words, and I will try to write something interesting about it. We used to do this little exercise in
Grade 11 Writerscraft. That was my favorite class.

Ok, so a few people, just post the words in the comments section and Ill get started. :) Feel free to join in the challenge, and Ill post them all.

Thanks,
Julie

I recently heard a song on the Christian Radio Station that has finally said so much of whatis in my heart. She just did it better than me :)

I love the song, and I hope to sing it out at the Water sometime.

-and just a clarifier....I do not agree with the line "simple-minded friends"...I have many friends who are not believers in the same things as me, and they are anything but simpleminded. (wink)


Nichole Nordeman - What If

What if you’re right?
And he was just another nice guy
What if you’re right?
What if it’s true?
They say the cross will only make a fool of you
And what if it’s true?
What if he takes his palace in history
With all the prophets and the kings
Who taught us love and came in peace
But then the story ends
What then?

(Chorus)
But what if you’re wrong?
What if there’s more?
What if there’s hope you never dreamed of hoping for?
What if you jump?And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He’s more than enough?
What if it’s love?
What if you dig, What if you dig
Way down deeper than your simple-minded friends

What if you dig?
What if you find
A thousand more unanswered questions inside
That’s all you find
What if you pick apart the logic
And begin to poke the holes
What if the crown of thorns is no more
Then folklore that must be told and retold

(Chorus)

You’ve been running as fast as you can
You’ve been looking for a place you can land so long
But what if you’re wrong?What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He’s more than enough?What if it’s love?

Hedwig and The Angry Inch 

I had debated whether I would post about this, as my reading audience I am aware has expanded some. However, as this is my blog, it is always better to be honest anyway.

I recently watched a Rock Musical with my friend Chel. It was called Hedwig and the Angry Inch. She has been trying to get me to watch it forever, and I always said that a movie about a man who’s sex change operation gets botched just does not really interest me.

However in a moment of weakness, I surrendered.

Now, ever since, I have been obsessed. Strangest thing really. Chel keeps laughin at me, but I just loved it. Loved the movie, the music, and the story. Most of all I think that John Cameron Mitchell is a genius. He wrote, directed and starred as Hedwig. His voice is amazing, and he managed to capture something in this film that many people might not understand but can still manage to feel by listening and watching.

I really cannot explain why I loved it so much, but it has a profound impact on me.

I have been listening to the music over and over.

My favorite song from the film, and let me tell ya, I like them all, is the Origin of Love. It also makes me cry sometimes. I suppose it appeals to my feeling of feeling very different, and I can understand feeling ripped in two sometimes.

When the earth was still flat,
And the clouds made of fire,
And mountains stretched up to the sky,
Sometimes higher,

Folks roamed the earth
Like big rolling kegs.
They had two sets of arms.
They had two sets of legs.
They had two faces peering
Out of one giant head
So they could watch all around them
As they talked; while they read.
And they never knew nothing of love
It was before the origin of love.

The origin of love

And there were three sexes then,
One that looked like two men
Glued up back to back,
Called the children of the sun.
And similar in shape and girth
Were the children of the earth.
They looked like two girls
Rolled up in one.
And the children of the moon
Were like a fork shoved on a spoon.
They were part sun, part earth
Part daughter, part son.

The origin of love

Now the gods grew quite scared
Of our strength and defiance
And Thor said,"I'm gonna kill them all
With my hammer,Like I killed the giants."
And Zeus said, "No,You better let me
Use my lightening, like scissors,
Like I cut the legs off the whales
And dinosaurs into lizards."
Then he grabbed up some bolts
And he let out a laugh,
Said, "I'll split them right down the middle
Gonna cut them right up in half."
And then storm clouds gathered above
Into great balls of fire

And then fire shot down
From the sky in bolts
Like shining blades
Of a knife.
And it ripped
Right through the flesh
Of the children of the sun
And the moon
And the earth.
And some Indian god
Sewed the wound up into a hole,
Pulled it round to our belly

To remind us of the price we pay.
And Osiris and the gods of the Nile
Gathered up a big storm
To blow a hurricane,
To scatter us away,
In a flood of wind and rain,
And a sea of tidal waves,
To wash us all away,
And if we don't behave
They'll cut us down again
And we'll be hopping round on one foot
And looking through one eye.

Last time I saw you
We had just split in two.
You were looking at me.
You had a way so familiar,
But I could not recognize,
Cause you had blood on your face;
I had blood in my eyes.
But I could swear by your expression
That the pain down in your soul
Was the same as the one down in mine.
That's the pain,
Cuts a straight line
Down through the heart;
We called it love.
So we wrapped our arms around each other,
Trying to shove ourselves back together.
We were making love,
Making love.
It was a cold dark evening,
Such a long time ago,
When by the mighty hand of Jove,
It was the sad story
How we became
Lonely two-legged creatures,
It's the story of
The origin of love.

That's the origin of love.

So, despite the fact that there are some odd scenes, and that its truly all about a man’s struggle with his sexuality, I think it is a great film. I loved it really…..highly recommend.

A baby was born.

A child with whom brought such joy and happiness.
A baby boy!

Through the years he grew, he learned to do all the things a child will.

He walked, he talked, he opened his tiny arms to give and receive love.

His piercing blue eyes drank in all of the world.

The youngest child, and the only boy his journey was not always easy-

but he grew into a wonderful man

A man a girl fell in love with

The kind of man, that could share that same kind of love shown to him

with another baby boy

not of his own flesh

but loved just the same

He held the child with tender and compassionate arms

breathed words of love and acceptance into the tiny boy

and together they grew

and then another boy was born

so many like features

he too was loved with fierce pride

and again the man grew

The journey always true to its word grew more and more difficult

it would have broken a lesser man

but with faith and love in his heart

the man grew again

Grew so tall the girl could barely recognize the boy

so she grew too....


33 years ago my best friend was born.


Happy Birthday David

I have been really struggling this past while, with the departure of some friends, and just the constant blowing of the winds of change.

I keep losing my footing. I know that change is a part of life, and I understand that people must move on, but I guess it all just hits me hard right now.

I am really feeling the distance from my family right now. Most times I can resove this in my head and heart, but right now, with my heart already hurting from other circumstances, I am just really raw.

I know it will pass, and I am so excited to see everyone this summer, but unfortunatley before it even begins, I am already dreading when it ends.

I just hate that it is this way. It seems so unfair, and I have honestly wrestled with God on this one. Is it really necessary?

I love my life here, I only wish I could move it, or move them, or....well you know how it goes.

I am really looking forward to my minivacation from the boys, almost I think as much as they are looking forward to a vacation from their parents!

Dave and I have never been on our own, so we are planning to "date" a lot during this time. How exciting is that?

I am also planning to attend "Folk Fest" with Michelle. I am looking SO forward to that! Yay...

Ok, so to push past all the blues here are a few things I am thankful for tonight

• Driving/Couponing/Shopping/Movie Watching with Chel
• Dave helping me dye my hair (what a riot)
• Old episodes of Amazing Race with Russian Subtitles....LOL
• A happy picture of my sister, after riding on a hot air balloon
• Wesley giving me a big hug
• ENCHILADAS....YUMM
• Good friends, no matter where they live

And so, to the dear ones that are leaving me, all four of you, I am not sure you read this, but if you do, I want you to know that you have all been huge in helping me put my life back together, and that I am forever thankful.

And remember,

say goodnight....not goodbye :)

Since my new eating has not lasted very long, still working on it (just it taking its time, grin)
I thought I would write about something else close to my heart, and on my mind.

It has been a year this weekend, since my family was put back together. I can hardly believe it. I am so thankful to God for our second chance. I am also sorry for any moment in the past 365 days that I forgot for one moment how blessed I am.

To my husband, my best friend, my partner, my beloved.....I love you David. I know that this has not been an easy year for us. I know that from the moment I fell into your arms sobbing this time last year, there has been fear, and doubt and confusion. We have shared so much, and clung to each other and to God to carry us. Thats just what He has done isn't it? Carried us back to each other.

I think of you and I smile....It hits me right down inside, in the place that you have always been able to find me.

I love that we have found the ability to laugh and to play again. Lets hold on to it ok? Let the stresses and crap sink to the bottom, and grab onto all that is light and fun.

We have made some really great memories this year. Just reading over the blog for the past year, and I am reminded why we fought to keep us.

I love you!

Julie

I don't know why I keep falling into these patterns that I know are so bad for me. Feeling sorry for myself, melancholy....

I know that some of it is justified by my chemical makeup, but I do believe that some of it is a choice. The choice to continue to wallow, to look at all that is wearing me down, and forgetting all that brings me such joy.

I gave up my new way of eating, and have been lucky to not gain it all back.

So today, a new beginning...Yes, yet another one.

Gonna use this dormant blog to renew something again. This time last year I was beginning this blog with stories of fixing my marriage, this year - its about fixing me.

So baby steps....grin.

Today so far, I have had about a small coffee, with cream and sugar, and half a bagel with butter. I am full, so I will be taking the rest of my coffee to work for when I get hungry again.

Im feeling optimistic at the moment, so hopefully today will be a good day.

Well, my day at work was good, although tough. There was food EVERYWHERE. Figures as much when I am trying to avoid it.

I had a few bites of fruit, half a sugar cookie, 1/2 cup of pasta with tomato sauce and cheese, and a small piece of cake. Truthfully, hunger-wise, I could have done without the fruit, the bit of cookie, and the small piece of cake, but still a pretty good day.

Ill add in dinner later.

I realized that I started this and never finished it - grin. So, I guess now is as good a time as any. In fact, maybe I will start over.
Mostly because I don't remember where I was at!

1. When I write, I need music on. It does not really matter what kind, it just sets me in the mood to write.
2. Right now it is "The Junkie Song" by the Be Good Tanya's.
3. I had the opportunity to see them at Folk Fest last year, and missed it :( I plan to be there this year though!
4. I associate music with people and memories, and sometimes will go months or even years without listening to something because
of the feelings it brings
5. I refuse to do this anymore.
6. I went to the movies tonight to watch "Bench Warmers" it was pretty lame..
7. Paul Haggis, the director of "Crash" and writer of "Million dollar Baby" is my fathers first cousin.
6. I like telling people that because I was always teased about my last name.
7. Called "Hag Bag" "Haggler" and "sheep guts"
8. My teachers always made this worse by explaining to all the students what Haggis is.
9. I speak to every one of my ex's. My husband thinks this is strange.
10. Well, all save for one I guess.
11. I love chocolate and Peanut butter together. My absolute fav is Perkins Peanut Butter Silk Pie.
12. I love the smell of a campfire.
13. I love to be in the water. I think part of it is because I do not feel the burden of all the extra pounds I carry around.
14. I worry that I will fail.
15. I am considering that I may have an addiction to garage sales.
16. I am struggling for more useless facts.
17. I used to pick my nose and eat it when I was a child. I honestly thought it kept cavities away.
18. That is the very first time I have EVER said that.
19. I am desperately afraid of heights and every time I watch the amazing race, I think.....I would maybe be able to do it. (the height stuff)
20. I wear sunglasses but they always fall of my eyes. I have a tiny nose.
21. I get really angry sometimes. More than I should I think :(
22. I laugh, REALLY hard. Everyone at the Theatre turns and looks at me.
23. I also cry REALLY hard. Yeah they look at me for that too!~
24. I hate shaving my legs and sometimes go months without!!! (in the winter)
25. I made it to 25! Yay. Song now is "My town" by Glass Tiger. I think Alan Frew is still very hot. He has got to be like ancient.
I saw him at the Ex two years ago. MMMM..... :) I think its the accent....

Thought I should write...anything really just to fill up the space!
Life is good, I am doing well.

My wonderful friend Chel is home, and I am so thankful to have her back in my life, not that she wasn't before, but she is reachable now, and I can hug her whenever I want! Not to mention all the other cool stuff we like to do!

My boys are excited for Easter Weekend! This year we are doing the walk of the Cross, to remember what Jesus went through. I think this is a neat way to make it real for my kids.
I am singing in church on Easter Sunday, and I always so look forward to that! The boys are all excited for painting easter eggs, ham dinner, and of course the arrival of the Easter Bunny...

Things are starting to wind down for the year and I am thankful for the extra breathing space, but at the same time, miss some of the connections I had made. Hopefully we will all get together soon.

I am working on myself right now and that feels good. Doing things that are healthy for me, making new friends, rediscovering old ones, and just enjoying the fresh smell of spring. (Ok, well maybe fresh is stretching it....the smell of melthing dog poop would probably be more accurate, but you get the idea :))

I am still an avid couponer, and am enjoying my Wednesday night shopping as much as ever!

Looking forward to the summer season and taking things one day at a time!

Julie