Ahhhh, The Christmas Season.

I am so excited for Christmas this year it is unreal. I don't think I have held this childlike magic of Christmas in my heart for a long time.

I am all about the magic this year.

Trimming trees, baking cookies, decorating windows, lights....I just want it to show my heart. My boys are laughing, full of excitement and wonder. Just as it should be.

I can't wait to simmer my apple cider, and walk outside in the freshly fallen snow. To make snow angels, and build a snowman.

I want to sing "O Holy night", and light candles to remember why I celebrate this wonderful season.

Ahh yes, it is Christmas....and I am content.

Julie

Honesty is a difficult thing sometimes.

I think sometimes honesty is not a trait as much as it is a choice.
A choice to believe that such a thing exists really.

I think I am honest, with myself, with others, but then sometimes I truly wonder if that is the case?
Or am I merely as honest as I can be for *that moment*

My honesty changes....My truth conflicts itself and I wind up running in circles.

Like one moment I am honest about life, and love and all things that seem important to me.
And the very next I find myself frustrated and angry, confused and sad.

What changed really? Certainly not my circumstances, only my ability to handle the truth.

The truth today is that I am angry.

I am hurt and angry and pissed off. Yesterday I felt used and neglected, inimportant and insignificant.

Today the honest truth is that I need to let go. I need to begin the healing that I would not let myself.
Today I choose to allow the hurt and anger....to look deep down at the truth of it all.
Today is time to begin again.

This has been a hard time for me this past couple of weeks. I have spent so much time thinking, and dreaming, and wondering.
I have assessed, reassesed, bargained, pleaded, cried, laughed, fought and struggled.

The results have not always been easy to face.

I still stand though....in honesty, in truth and knowing that I have made may way through it all.

I realize this is probaly very confusing and messed up. Makes sense to me though and I suppose that is what really matters.

Well, I realize it has been awhile since I wrote.
Wow, with working and all the extra curricular activities I have going on, blogging has fallen to the wayside I am afraid.
I do find blogging to be very helpful to me so I will make an effort to get to it more often.

The mornings lately are really hard to wake up. It is dark and cold, and just the kind of time where you want to curl up in your husbands
arms and fall back into sleep.

Right now the sky is a million shades of pink, swirled with the grey clouds, and pieces of blue. It is breathtaking. I can see it so brightly through my window here, and it makes me smile, in spite of my grumpy tired self this morning.

It is Friday....I am so thankful for that. Friday's are family day. We watch a movie and make pizza, and afterwards Dave and I curl up on there couch to watch a movie the two of us, often with a nice glass of baileys and milk. Friday's are my favorite day.

They remind me why I get up every morning. Why I go to work, why I come home, why I keep trying, keep believing....

This weekend we have lots of family fun planned with Halloween right around the corner. My boys are going as Kraft Dinner and Spaghetti and Meatballs. Hmm, think Mom was hungry when she suggested it? We are planning to carve the pumpkin and do some cookies for my youngest's class. And Sunday (family cooking day) its my oldest Son's day so he will be preparing a Halloween themed meal. Fun Fun. We are also planning to go to an auction on Sunday so I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of my weekend.

The crisp fall air brings some mixed emotions for me. I love the fall, and I have many happy memories, including the beginning of my married life. Seven years....wow. Anyway, I kinda digress there, but whatever. LOL. Well we work through these things don't we, and find our way the best we can I guess.

So, I am still avidly collecting coupons. It is such a thrill to me for some messed up reason. I think its the idea of free money. Like all those dollars
and cents will somehow make me rich. Ok well not rich, but hey, when you buy eight items at the grocery store like juice(the expensive vitamin/soy enriched kind) flaked chicken, and ham, and Lipton Soupmixes for 9 dollars it becomes worth it! :)

Ok so I have rambled on....off I go.

Have a Happy Halloween all!

I am heading to my best friend from highschool's wedding this weekend. I hate flying and so of course the nerves are all messed up.

I am excited to see her get married, so I suppose its all worth while. Plus its a chance to kick up my dancin shoes, and let down the hair.
(Not that there is lot to let down, specially since I just cut it again - but you get the picture, lol)

I am meeting up with a dear friend of mine Michelle, so I am excited for that too. I am dragging her to the wedding with me so I have someone to dance with and talk to, but truthfully her and my friend have a lot in common so I think they will hit it off fine!

So look out Toronto, here I come!

Still sick....

Still really sick.

Wish it would end, wish I could sleep....

Made it into work all week, but probably against better judgement gonna try to see a doctor today, or possibly go to emerge tonight.

Think it might be worse than I was letting on.

J

Man my house is just a mecca of illness.

I myself have the chest cold from hell, my youngest son is pretty much equally matched. My oldest has pink eye, and my husband is coming in a close third to holding the rank of the sickest family member.

I HATE it when we are sick. Eveyone is miserable, cranky....tempers are flaring. Man, it is just not a nice environment.

We found out some of our good friends are moving back home to southern Ontario. This is becoming a common occurrence.

On one hand, I am happy for them, on the other I am sad that they are leaving.

On my foot, LOL, I am jealous that they are going home to their family....

Sigh.

The job is going well, I still really enjoy it. I get tested by the parents and the staff on a regular basis but I am adapting and for the most part I think I am passing. :)

I will blog about things more interesting when the snot stops oozing out of every orifice's of my being.

I am so tired today.

My eyes are all puffy and sore, and my cough is worse by the day. I really need to get that looked at I think. (It all started from my quick jaunt with TKD that I am no longer joining)

I had a very emotional night last night, that left me with tons of things to think about and reflect on. Don't you hate that? That lying in bed trying to sleep because you are so worn down with fatigue both pysically and emotionally but you just cannot fall? Sigh, no rest for the weary they say.

I met with a bunch of people who share some of my struggles last night. Heard their stories, felt their pain, saw some hope, worried about what it all meant, felt that pull of confusion and dissillusionment. It was so refreshing to sit there among those that were not afraid to be real. It broke my heart to hear their stories, it healed it to know I was not alone.

I will leave you with this, something that meant an awful lot to me last night.

ROAD LESS TRAVELED

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth

Then took the other as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet, knowing how way leads onto way
I doubted if I should ever come back

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two roads diverged in a wood
And I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference


Robert Frost

Wow, barely online all week.

(that is a big change for me)

Got a job!

Started off the beginning of the week with 20 hours, and got a promotion (that I had to apply for) to 30 hours on my fourth day.

What a difference it has made in my life.

First of all, I am tired. Grin. But a good kind of tired.

I can't really put details of my job up here, because of confidentiality and such, but it is wonderful and I feel that I am making a real difference, which for me gives me such a sense of meaning and direction.

Anyway, I hope to post more later, but since I am really tired, I think I shall try to catch some needed zzzz's.

Julie

Some people think it is strange to talk to your plants, or to have a "relationship" with them at all. I however, on the other hand, love my plants and treat them as thought they are indeed part of my family.

Granted, this could be partially do to the fact that I live with four males (hubby, sons, and dog)and feel the need to even out the playing field by having female plants. (wink)

I am not sure what it is exactly, but seeing a plant grow and change, under my direction is a huge mood lifter for me.

I recently added a new member to my flora family. Hibby :)

Now see, many years ago in my old home town I had another hibby, A double bloom, red hibiscus that was well over 6 feet tall. She came to us because she was too big to move out of the house that she had grown up in.

I promised to care for her, and that I did. I loved that plant. She watched my children grow, listened to my silly stories and heard my endless singing. She never complained.

She would bloom for me constantly and I would praise her.

When we moved from that house and I found her a home in the Floral store I was working in, people offered me hundreds of dollars for her, but she was just not for sale.

I learned in a tragic way that not everyone loves their plants as I do. I gave her to the owner of the store when the store shut down. Poor hibby ran around in the back of her truck for over a week and eventually died.


It broke my heart.

Saturday I found another one. Identical, a red, double bloom tree hibiscus. I am happy, and you know what, today, she bloomed....

You Are 60% Weird

You're so weird, you think you're *totally* normal. Right? But you wig out even the biggest of circus freaks!

Well the fam went camping.

We packed up the five of us (including the dog) and headed to Grand Beach for the long weekend.

We had a great time. I took some healing time for myself, and a few walks (this was kind of a rough weekend for me), but all in all it was highly enjoyable.

I love looking into people's sites. There is just something so amazing about community, I just love it.

I realized something about myself out there....I am the type that needs community. I crave it. I am not a loner. (Even though I tend to be alone a lot)

I love surrounding myself with people, the feeling of "belonging" of knowing there is someone there. This was one of things I loved (and still do quite frankly) about the gay community. They sure knew how to help each other up. They (often forced by being outcasts) have banded together, to create a comfy, non-judgmental and relaxing community.

I do not find the same kind of community in my church. I wonder at this sometimes.

Now, I am not saying that my church is unfriendly, not at all....In fact I think it is one of the most friendly churches in my town, however, I wonder at the level of community.

We came home from our camping trip to a L1 Tornado. We were not supposed to come home until the day after but by wonderful coincidence we came home the night before. Nothing looked amiss, I was just not feeling too well, so we had come home to rent a movie. By 2am the winds were gusting at over 100 km per hour. Trees were ripped from the ground, planes turned over, damage was done.

Community was found among the streets of my little town. People helping to cut down trees, pick up garbage, huddle together to help get through the shock of it all.

Stories of people's lives, and why certain trees were planted were shared, neighbor's never seen became friends that day.

Why is it that we never reach out until tradgedy occurs?

Why are there so many who sit alone in there house lonely, afraid, in such need of community, friendship, and companionship?

Sigh, it is such a quandary to me.

Well, I suppose a fire starts with a single ember and perhaps, I for one, need to learn to ask for help. To reach out instead of complaining about not being reached.

I had my neighbor over for coffee today....A start atleast.

Till later,
Julie

Ok, so that is kind of lame, but in an effort to be honest with myself and my faithful following (grin) I figure I need to lay it out.

So life is ever-changing. I have decided that I just cannot get my head wrapped around some things.

I admit I am a mess. I am the first to say that I am on a long journet to any kind of true happiness and that I am far from perfect. I know that my emotions are all fucked up and that I need some help. I am tired, tired of hiding, of fearing, of being ashamed.

Look this is me, ok? I am just me, nothing less, nothing more. And you want to know what else....laugh...I am not even sure who me is. Ya, ain't that the sad truth.

Lets see...I am a contradiction in terms. I am one big mess, one huge pile of crap to sort through.

I am ok with that though. I know that I need work, that I need to find me, that I need some guidance, but I am not so sure that the others in my life can handle it.

It seems like yesterday that I was never lonely. I always had something to do or someone to see, never had to worry about having someone to talk to or go for coffee etc.

Well now that I have tried so hard to put my life back together, almost everyone has
disappeared. I am lonely. I am confused.

Not that many of you will understand this reference because I tend to go off to the deep end sometimes, but this song is in my heart today:


Oh brother I can't, I can't get through
I’ve been trying hard to reach you 'cause I don’t know what to do
Oh brother I can't believe it's true
I’m so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you
Oh I wanna talk to you

You can take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done

Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?
Tell me how you feel?
Well I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak
And they're talking it to me

So you take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done
Or do something that's never been done

So you don't know where you're going and you wanna talk
And you feel like you're going where you've been before
You tell anyone who'll listen but you feel ignored
Nothing's really making any sense at all, let's talk
Let's talk, let's talk, let's talk.

Signing off,
Julie

An anonymous poster asked why this picture was reflective of my mood, so I thought I would oblige.

First of all, the colors were very accurate. I was feeling very drained of color.

The branches were barren but you can tell they were once beautiful and lush.

Trees have a very special meaning to me, I often relate them to the symbol of life, as well as different places I have been in my life, like the seasons.

This photograph captures my mood, like the tree stares into the water searching for its true reflection and seeing only the image of itself rippled and blurry and unsure what it means.

The roots are well established and full, but yet the sun is not shining, and there are no blossoms or new growth.

The tree is reaching up, seeking out the sun's warmth, but yet, almost content to rest in darkness.

This picture captures me today, thought I would share 

I am behind...

so I will do the next 20.

21 - I am very passionate. I do everything by te extremes, all or nothing, and truthfully it gets me messed up, hurt and disapointed more often than naught. I am working on this.

22 - My new official food is Papa Murphy's gourmet vegetarian Pizza, which, since we cannot get it in Canada, I am at work trying to recreate.

23 - Music is my greatest passion.

24 - I have never tried sushi.

25 - I am a huge procrastinator. I am also lazy. These are also things I am working at.

26- I secretly think I can make a difference.

27 - I believe in God, and try to live my life in faith.

28 - One of my all time favorite Christian songs is Worlds Apart by Jars of clay. It hits home, especially lately.

29 - I put far too much worth in other people's opinions.

30 - I pretend that I don't.

31 - Chocolate literally calls to me. I almost always answer.

32 - I am lonely.

33 - I have always wanted to learn to dance.

34 - My little sister is my hero. I think her determination, sense of self, and strength are qualities I need more of.

35 - I miss my family. I have always been the type that believed in the philosophy of "It takes a whole village to raise a child" and never imagined being so far from them.

36 - I like liverwurst. LOL, never admitted it as a child. (still have trouble)

37 - I feel things like no one else I know. My emotions are so huge sometimes it suffocates me.

38 - I cry at movie previews.

39 - I love camping, and was afraid I lost that.

40 - I love Frisbee, badminton, volleyball, and softball. I never played because all the kids called me fat, and never had confidence. I WILL play all of these things again.

Ok. As I just went out on a date with my hubby to the movies, Ill start with that.

11 - I LOVE popcorn. I am a popcorn freak, more butter the better!
12- I went through a faze with a turkey baster trying to make the perfect popcorn
13 - Lone Justice is my favorite band. The lead singer Maria Mckee absolutely rocks!
14 - I recently learned (finally) how to pee in the bush
15 - I had a hampster named Presley. He was hillarious. He got caught once in a heating duct and we wrote him off for dead. The next day we could hear scratching and amazingly he was alive. He came out full of soot with his hair all spiked up. I figured he was just earning his name....grin.
16 - My favorite color is Yellow. However to wear is pink. Yellow brings out my happy side and pink my romantic side.
17 - I am a struggling yet aspiring singer/songwriter. I also love to act.
18 - I am also a writer. (Gee can you tell which side of the brain I use?)
19 - I worked for a year in a travel agency. I liked it.
20 - I worked for nearly two years in flowers. First shop was good, the second one - Quality Flowers and Gifts, was my home. I still dream of that little shop and its wonderful owner, all the time...Sigh. Miss ya Heather....

well that is it for today....tune in tomorrow for another edition of.....its your life!!! (now go get a real one)

Let's see....this is where it gets fun.

1- When I was a little girl, I used to have a doll. I named my doll the same name I told everyone that I would one day name by daughter. Her name was prisicka (Thank God I had sons)
2 - I used to be a compulsive liar.
3 - crap, am I only on three...ummmm, my mother did my highlights blonde once and I looked like I had spaghetti on top of my head...
4 - which, by the way, did NOT match my dark brown hair and BUSHY eyebrows
5 - speaking of which, I had my eyebrows "roped" once, an east indian way of removing eyebrows, and my cousin and aunt were laughing so hard I thought they were going to pee them selves because the lady was yelling "too bushy, too bushy" *- ya, if you think waxing is bad, that stuff feels like razor blades
6 - I was almost named "Darby" or "Bethany" yikes.
7 - I have always had a problematic bladder.....(lots of funny stories there)
8 - I also have tons of embarrassing moments!
9 - I have huge nasty feet, that plagued me with warts when I was young, and athletes foot as I got older. Great eh?
10 - (my last one for today) I absolutely cannot stand when my husband farts, but my farts don't bother me. LOL

Ok, so a week ago, I decided that I was going to kick my coffee addiction. I am in the midst of revamping my life and getting my fat ass in gear towards becoming healthy.

Well....when you drink a large triple triple a day pretty much this habit is harder than I thought to kick.

Arggh.

Well the thing that is the real kicker is I have (in my new plan) made it so I will reward myself with a Timmies on Saturday and Sunday....but now I am wondering if it will make it harder to do this all over again next week.

Maybe Ill just have one on Saturday. Ack, I can't yard sale without my Timmies.....Heaven FORBID!

Looks like we might go to a farm auction this weekend (thanks to a referrel from my good friend gadgetgrl) I am excited about that, have never been to one (didn't exist where I am from) and so now I finally have the excuse to go! (not so dure the hubby shares my enthusiasm, but like the wonderful guy he is, he is humoring me....)

So, a good old fashioned weekend with garage sales and Timmies, and everything, and I am looking forward to my family time!

Let you know how it all goes!

Wow, its been awhile.

Lets see, I spent nearly five weeks away on various vacations. Got to see lots of my family and I am so greatful for that.

We had a wonderful time, lots to do and see. I have pictures stored at www.thehagglunds.blogspot.com if you want to browse.

I am doing well - enjoying my family. I am still trying to figure some things out for myself, thats how it goes, I guess, but for the most part all is well.

I got to see the Ocean for the first time. I felt so small in her vastness. I will remeber the smell of the mist of it in my hair for awhile I think.

We travelled to the Monterey aquarium and had a great day there.

I met my brand new baby neice, Zoe, a day after she was born. What a treat. Sigh, made me want a daughter again, hopefully that longing will fade in time. Like on Saturday morning when I can sleep till 10 am because my sons fix there own breakfast and watch cartoons....grin.

Talk to you all soon,

Me

Really Quick, yes I am alive post!

Been on vacation, so been crazy busy.

Am flying home from California today.

Will update on how things have been.

Grin.

Ta-ta~!

Hmm...I am wondering why you choose to post as anonymous, any of you?

Do not worry of judgment from me, I do not judge those who love, from whatever form it comes from.

I do feel pain for those who are lost or hurting and that can be any member of the human race, gay or straight.

I want to explain first that this decision, while it may seem so, was not really *rash*...

I am sure you can identify with how we often carry thoughts and feelings, fears and doubts without mentioning them to anyone. That was what happened with me.

I felt that I was trapped in a life I did not recognize, and had lost so much of who I was. Now, this is important, I do not REGRET anything.

I have grown, honored, cherished, cried, laughed, and most importantly, I loved...
but..

I lost too.

So much, more than I ever should have wagered.

To use a quote from a song that touched me during all of this -


She wants to go home, but nobody's home
That's where she lies broken inside
No place to go, no place to go
To dry her eyes broken inside


Open your eyes
And look outside
Find the reason why
You've been rejected
And now you can't find
What you left behind

Be strong, be strong now
Too many too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
where she belongs

Her feelings she hides
Her dreams she can't find
She's losing her mind
She's fallen behind
She can't find her place
She's losing her faith
She's fallen from grace
She's all over the place "


Good ole Avril!

Truth is that was exactly how I felt. Lost.

My faith was gone, my heart was broken, my dreams were faded and ripped from me.

I wanted it back.

Simple as that.

I know it will not be easy, I know there will me many bumps, and struggles. There is a very good chance that I will always be attracted to women, that is a part of who I am.

Doesn't mean I need to act on it.

Doesn't mean I judge those who do.

Thanks for visiting,
Julie

The FAM :) 

Hubby and I at the ceremony :) 

Oh man, what a weekend.

It reached 34 degrees here this weekend, which in of itself I suppose is not tragic, but if you add to that fact that our central air is on the blitz it made for a very steamy weekend! LOL

Haven't written much lately but in all honesty that is a good thing. I am keeping very busy.

Despite the heat, I had a great weekend. Hubby and I holed up in the basement one night and cuddled and watched movies on the movie projector. What fun! (and Thank God for the cool air downstairs!)

Had some friends over last Thursday, that was a really great feeling, some healing was done there I think.

Friday led to a day of cooking with some of the great gals from the church, we all chipped in and did up some freezer meals for one from our church we thought could use it. It looks like we might start doing this as a monthly thing or something. It was a blast. (I miss ya chel, sigh)

Father's day was nice, although I felt bad I couldn't make it more special for Dad. We went out for a nice brunch and then off to the Waterfront Service. Which was great until Wes had a it too much sun and proceeded to puke up purple pop all over the van and parking lot..... :(

We got our photos in from the ceremony, and of the boys. I am SO pleased. Hope you all enjoy :)

Hugs,
Julie

Oh BTW, inclosing a big copy of a couple of my fav's... :)

Today is a new day. A new beginning.

I hope you enjoy the pictures of our ceremony.
It was beautiful, and filled with friends, and my beautiful boys.

The sun even shone for a minute or two, grin....

I will write more when I am not quite so tired.

It was a wonderful weekend.

Very quiet really. It rained most of the weekend. My backyard is officially a jungle, the weeds are overtaking my entire space, but the plants are growing like wildfire. Unfortunatley, they are still in their milk jugs! I am hoping it will dry out soon, so I can plant the poor things.

I have decided to not put in my veggie garden this year as I am going away a lot this summer, and for the 20 bucks I would spend just in tilling, I can purchase enough tomatoes to do my salsa, sigh, I sure will miss it though...(hopefully some of my gardener friends will take great pity on me, and drop a sister a zuchinni)

Cuddled up with my hubby and watched some movies this weekend. Cleaned the main floor, and got some stuff done, in time for our friends to come over for yet another birthday get together for the old man (grin).

Next weekend is our wedding vow ceremony. I am really excited and nervous all at the same time. I am hoping it will be nice out, as we are doing it at the beach.

I have been greatly enjoying life.

In all its simplicity.

Dave and I, a couple days ago... :) 

Yesterday was my husband's birthday. Although I think he is now on celebration number two, with a third get together planned this weekend with a couple of friends.

We went out to Mongo's grill (Dave's new found fav, although I will admit to liking it an awful lot myself) and had a nice family dinner.

The boys I think are starting to trust that we are together again. It is a wonderful thing to feel, and to see.

I have had a few rough spots, but for the most part the support has been really wonderful. It is hard to let go of a lot of things that I had wrapped my worth into, but I am now resting in the worth that was God- given, and trusting that things will fall into place naturally.

I am sad that is seems I have lost some friends in this, and some respect, but I suppose that is always the case. Truthfully I have gained more for myself, so I did what I needed to do.

I feel healing in all aspects of my life and I am so thankful.

Walking slowly, but surely, towards my dream..... to be happy again.

J

Hubby and I last easter :) 

I have been hesitant to write as much lately. Almost as if I am afraid that if I put it down on the screen, it will somehow jinx it.

Silliness I know.

My heart is changing....Growing....Believing again.

I think those who know me well see it, feel it. I was joking around to my husband last night that I feel as though I was abducted by aliens. LOL....

I cannot fathom the changes that have come for me, which is why I credit God for the steadiness in my heart.

I am still struggling, I suppose we all struggle, the difference today is I am not trying to tackle it to the ground by myself and failing.

I think My husband is changing in all of this as well, he may have done it before and I never noticed it, but he is trying so hard to be patient and loving. The small little things he is doing carry me through the day, and truthfully, by the end of the day, all I want to do is snuggle up with him on the couch...

I am taking such joy in the tiny things I never even realized I was missing.....the brush of his arm on my leg as we sleep, the sleepy smile on his face when he wakes up, his hand on my back when I am doing dishes, his offer to help me with whatever I am doing.

We are re-learning each other.

Starting over.

..........and you know what?..............

I can't wait.

- Julie

What is family?
Why is it so important?

It is simply more precious and important to me than anything in my life and I am so glad that I have this chance to try again with them.

The past year has been a whirlwind with a lot of pain and confusion.

I struggled daily with homosexuality and what this all meant for my life.

I know that this will be a struggle always but I am going to trust that God will help guide me to what is best for me.

For my heart, for my soul, and therefore leading to a happy and content life.

There is such a journey ahead for me.

So much damage, so much to learn, to grow in and to begin to understand.

I have sat at the darkest depth of me, and I no longer want to feel that pain.

I will surrender all, begin again, and ask for help from those willing to offer it.

Even if it means my pride.

To my husband... I love you, and I am so thankful that you did not give up.

Together, I believe that with our faith, love and hope we can find our way to a peaceful, content and satisfying life....